This episode of The Fresh Start Family Show is centered around the topic of coping skills, featuring a conversation with Janine Halloran, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, who’s provided life-changing support for children, teens and their families for over 15 years.
She is the Founder of Encourage Play and Coping Skills for Kids, the author of many best selling books, including Coping Skills for Kids and Coping Skills for Teens, and she is the host of the Calm & Connected Podcast.
Wendy and Janine chat about how developing the skills to cope with whatever life brings our way is the secret to getting through life’s tough situations. When life brings us something challenging, we are at choice with how we choose to take care of ourselves – we get to decide how we cope.
The word “coping” has a negative connotation to some of us, but Janine defines it simply as the ways that we deal with big emotions, challenging situations, thoughts, etc. There are healthy and unhealthy coping skills.
With some practice, we can help our kiddos develop healthy coping skills.
Episode Highlights:
- Healthy coping skills include things that don’t hurt ourselves, others or property
- We can model healthy coping by verbalizing how we feel & what we’re doing to take care of ourselves (i.e. communication like “I’m feeling stressed, I’m going for a walk”)
- We can help our kids figure out what strategies work for them (use Janine’s free checklist!)
- Different strategies might work in different situations
- Talk to your family about feelings as they’re growing up – through ALL the stages. Help them find the language to describe anything from how a character in a book/movie felt to telling about how was their day today
- Model a gratitude practice with your kids so we can all focus on the good in our days
- Set up a safe calming space in your home where kids can go when they’re feeling big feelings
Do you have a strong-willed, challenging kiddo always pushing limits …?!
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This free planning guide & worksheet will teach you firm & kind strategies, give you ways to build connection & offer ideas on how to work WITH your kids instead of trying to change them or just MAKE them comply.
Resources Mentioned:
Where to connect with Janine:
Instagram – @copingskillsforkids
Facebook – facebook.com/copingskillsforkids
copingskillsforkids.com/newsletter – free resources including her Checklist!
janinehalloran.com/podcast – Calm & Connected Podcast
Get Janine’s Books: Coping Skills for Kids and
Wendy on Janine’s Calm and Connected Podcast Episode 108
Sign up for Wendy’s Newsletter!
Join the Become a Parenting Coach Waitlist!
Join the Bonfire Private Support Group Waitlist!
FREE Guide to Raising Strong Willed Kids with Integrity
Uplift Kids trial – and don’t forget the special discount code freshstart
Special thanks to Uplift Kids for their continued support of the Fresh Start Family Show!
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
This episode is brought to you by the free Fresh Start Family learning guide: how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity so you don’t lose your mind. We understand what it’s like, families, to raise kids who push back a lot, maybe push buttons often, and say ‘no’ more than they say ‘yes’, and we’re here to help. You can download our free learning guide at freshstartfamilyonline.com/strongwilledkids.
Wendy:
Hi there listeners. It’s Wendy, your host, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I’m really happy that you are here for a new episode today on the show, we have Ms.
Janine Halloran, who is a licensed mental health counselor and someone who’s been working with children, teens and their families for over 20 years. You guys, she loves helping children and teens build their coping skills throughout her career. She’s done a variety of things to help families in different settings, including schools and mental health clinics. And now she does amazing work through her private practice. She is the author of several books, including the Bestselling Coping Skills for Kids Workbook and Coping Skills for Teens Workbook. Her work has been featured in the Boston Globe, CNN, Huffington Post and the Skimm Newsletter. She lives in Massachusetts with her husband and two children. And my goodness, you guys, we just had the best conversation around coping skills, what healthy coping skills look like for kids and adults too.
And so I’m really excited for you to listen to this episode. I think what you hear us chat about is really gonna help you just get some creativity going for ways that you and your children can get through those rocky moments where there’s big emotions or letdowns or disappointments or even disagreements, whatever it may be. Janine is just really a softhearted and really wise helper of the world and I just love the work that she’s doing. So I hope that you enjoy this conversation. And if you really love hearing from Janine, I was on her podcast episode 108, she has a show called Calm and Connected. And like I said, I just think you’re gonna love her energy and her wisdom.
And so go check out that episode. We talked about raising cactus kids and that conversation was really, really good. So those of you who have strong-willed kids, you would probably enjoy hearing our conversation that we had when she interviewed me for her podcast, Calm and Connected. But we’ll make sure that we put that in the show notes. And as always, you guys, if you are not on our email list, make sure you head on over to the website freshstartfamilyonline.com and grab our free learning guide. It’s a great way to hop on our email list just so we’re able to communicate with you. Every week. We always send out notifications of our new podcast episodes and also sometimes we do other things like we’ll write blog post or I’ll be featured on somebody else’s blog or podcast.
And we always let our email subscribers note about those type of things, things. And then also we do some, some big promotions sometimes and is our email list that always is notified of when we’re having sales on our programs or when we’re having free events. I often do free, you know, mini courses or online workshops. And if you’re on the email list, that is the best way for you to get that invite right into your hands. So make sure you go sign up freshstartfamilyonline.com and thanks for being here, you guys. Thanks for caring so much about your kids, about your family, and just investing in your family legacy in all the ways that you do. So by listening to this podcast, by being a student of Fresh Start Family programs, by just caring so much.
We see you, we admire you, and we are always over here cheering you on. Without further ado, help me welcome Janine to the show.
Stella:
Well, hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus, and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools, and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show
Wendy:
Well, hello there families and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am so excited to have my friend and colleague Janine Halloran with us today, who is going to be talking to us about how we can have healthy coping skills for ourselves as parents and also for our kids. Welcome to the show, Janine.
Janine:
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for having me, Wendy. I’m super excited to be here and chat.
Wendy:
Oh, nice. And I purposely introduced you as my friend because you know what? We met just a few weeks ago when you interviewed me for your show. And I find this happening all the time now. I’m just so, I feel like almost overwhelmed in the best way with how many people I’m meeting this year that are doing wonderful work in the same space, supporting parents, supporting families. And so many times we get on an interview and I’m just like, I adore you, you are fun, you’re just, I love your personality and I just felt like hanging out with you for an hour was just like having coffee and, and getting to know a new friend. So, but I am very thankful for the work that you do on the world. Janine, I let listeners know about you in the intro to this show, but will you tell everybody a little bit more about your story?
How old are your kids? How did you get into this work? What makes you so passionate about serving families in this capacity? What do you do on a daily basis? All that good stuff. Tell listeners all about
Janine:
You. Oh my goodness. So I do, I am a mom. I have a 14 year old girl and an 11 year old boy. They are both in middle school and gosh, it is shenanigan city over there at the end of the school year. But I am also a licensed mental health counselor. So I’ve been working with children and teens and their families before I even had my own family. And so I was doing that work, worked a lot in schools, actually worked a lot in private mental health settings, running social skills groups. And I always had this passion for helping kids figure out what their coping skills are to the point where like even when my, my boss, my principal several years ago and one of my last school positions asked me, what do you want to do with the kids? Like what do you, what’s your overall goal?
And I said, I wanna teach them all coping skills. I want them to learn what they need in order to go up into sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, I was the fourth and fifth grade counselor. So I wanted to make sure like they’re leaving the little nest of like elementary school and going into the big bad world in middle school. And I wanted them to have coping skills. So that actually has been my passion for a very long time. Even like in graduate school, I always was looking for new coping skills. So over time, you know, things shift a little bit as a person when you have babies. So my priorities shifted, my life shifted what I wanted to do with my world shifted. So I ended up figuring out and starting a business, starting encourage, playing coping skills for kids where I really was focusing on helping families, educators, real support kids, and helping them figure out what those coping skills are.
So I’ve been doing that. I’d, I’d say I started coping skills for kids in like 2015, 2016. And it started with a checklist and then I kept looking for this book that I couldn’t find anywhere on the shelves. And my husband’s like, you’ve been talking about coping skills for as long as I’ve known you, basically, so why don’t you just write the book already instead of like looking for it? Nobody else is writing it, girl, you do it. And so I did, I did with my husband’s encouragement, wrote it in my living room, in my dining room and my local library. That is really what was the basis of coping skills for kids. And it’s just grown organically since then. And I love hearing stories of families, especially like even over the pandemic and covid people have said, you know, this has helped us so much.
It’s been tremendous to be able to have some resources, some just some ideas, just some practical tips that we can use. So that, that is my passion along with raising my children. And I still do have a very small group of private clients that I see. They’re small but mighty. They, I love them. And I, I was explaining to one of my moms the other day, she’s like, I know you don’t have a ton of time. And I said, listen, I chose to keep my client list small so I can read the 504 s, attend IEP meetings, listen, and when you call me, I wanna be able to do that. If I had 20 clients, amazing, I couldn’t, but I have a few and so I can really dig in with you and I, if there’s a problem, you call me and we’ll figure it out together.
And I love, I love being able to do that. So that is what I do.
Wendy:
That is awesome, Janine. So these days, that group of private clients that you have, they’re reaching out to you because they just want support all around? Or is it, you know, that, you know, kiddos having trouble in school or, or they’re like, not dis they’re not connecting or misbehavior. Like what is your average, average client or what is, what do your clients look like these days?
Janine:
So there’s a lot of anxiety actually. Okay. There’s a lot of anxiety that is and interwoven with that anxiety is ADHD. It’s like nice little flavor there. And then the other thing that I’m noticing is like sometimes with my like younger female clients, it’s like helping them find their voice. It’s almost like –
Wendy:
Awesome.
Janine:
They, it’s, yeah, it’s, it’s very, it’s been very cool to do that work of like, it’s okay to have feelings and name them, it’s okay to stand up for yourself, but like what does assertive versus aggressive versus like passive look like, what does that look like and how do you get to that point where it’s like cozy, comfy, and you can get your needs met, but you’re not like overwhelming or being like, it, it’s not, it’s not too overbearing, but like, like you’re being confident, like having that confident body stance and being able to say what you think and not feel like you can’t have a voice. You need to have a voice. Gosh, I want you to use it. You have a fantastic one. Yeah. So I’m, I’m super pumped about the work that I’m doing with some of my younger female clients that I haven’t, I’ve, I’ve been working a lot with older teens who have their voice and boys who like just have a lot of energy.
So it’s kind of fun to also do this work with like girls who are like trying to find a way to speak and to be heard.
Wendy:
Oh, I love that. And so you work with both kiddo and parent, or mostly with kiddos?
Janine:
Mostly work with kiddos, but the kiddo work is always interwoven with the family work. I will say I see them at their houses because it’s, it’s actually, you get a quicker connection with the families that way and the children, they open up a little bit better and a little bit more quickly cuz they’re, you’re, they’re comfortable, they’re in a comfortable spot. I also get to see family dynamics. So even though I am working with an identified client, I can say, okay, so I’m noticing this or, or if they’re having a problem, like, I don’t know, we’re having a problem with like morning routine, can you help us with that? So yeah, I’ll help make a checklist for morning routine. I’ll even help the other kiddos again because I can do that. I have the time.
So
Wendy:
Amazing.
Janine:
One of my new clients, she has like a whole checklist and we used something that she, you know, we’re trying to think of things that are gonna be incentivizing for her. And then my, the, her little brother saw it and he was like, I would really like one Janine. And I said, well, I will make you one buddy. Like, absolutely, I’ll make you tell me what you want it to be and I’ll make it.
Wendy:
Oh, that’s amazing. Oh, I can imagine just what a blessing you are to these families and I love that you just have a, a small amount so you can really pour into them. Oh, that’s beautiful. And Janine, talk to me about your own motherhood journey. You know, we have the same age kids, right? So we started this whole wild and wonderful ride of parenting about the same time. And how does it look like for you to, to use this work in your own life? How like, I, I know for me it’s, I just cannot even imagine what life would be like, especially having a teenager, right. And our, our little ones are almost 12 now, but I mean, it’s just the other day I was like, oh my gosh, Stella was just like telling me so much that I think the average teen is not telling their parents.
And I’m just like, gosh, this is, this work is just amazing. Right. So just talk to me a little bit about like your own journey. How have you been blessed by it? Like was there a rocky spot that caused you to lean into this work heavier, like that kind of stuff. I always like to hear your personal side of things.
Janine:
Oh yeah, absolutely. So babies were super fun. Like, I just loved that baby time. Like, I still remember like, like my, I knew I kind of knew my son was gonna be the last one, right? And so I would just like, he would nap and people would be like, you probably need to put him down. I’m like, yeah, that’s true. And then I just keep holding him while he napped. Yeah. Like, I, like, I don’t, yeah, I’m gonna just sit in the rocking chair and like enjoy this like mom son moment. Like we were having a blast, right? And then toddlerhood hit and I was like, wow. And developmentally I knew this was going to happen, right? Like I knew that they were gonna like wanna put their own personalities out there. They were like, this is developmentally appropriate. Why and no, I get it.
And I never realized how frustrating it was. Like I would be talking with families and I would be doing the, so like having worked with families before and working through some of those really challenging stages. And then when I got to those stages myself, I was like, oh gosh, I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and have more compassion because I don’t think I realized how absolutely flooded family you can get when something is happening and you’re there and it’s you and you’re by yourself for 12 stinking hours a day and you’ve got nobody. You know what I mean? So that, so that toddlerhood preschool was tough and that’s when I was like, okay, so what do I really need to be doing right now?
Like as a professional I would like, would sit with myself and be like, okay, but this is what you do for a living. So like what do you need to do? So I structured my day differently. We added a lot more play in, so we, I had play everywhere. I rotated toys. We had a schedule where we would go out and we would play at the playground, we’d go to the library, we’d have classes, but we’d also have downtime or just like free open play. And so that really helped me get through like toddlerhood preschool. And I think it laid the foundation for like first like just let’s have fun together as a family, but also the, like let’s talk about our emotions. So we watched Daniel Tiger’s neighborhood, we watched Ni Hao Kai Lan, we read and we talked about emotions as little ki when they were little kids.
Wendy:
Yes.
Janine:
I had the zones of regulation up in my house, especially when my son was struggling. Like we talked about feelings and emotions all the time. And so I think it’s made it easier as they’ve gotten older to have to open the dialogue about what’s going on. So they get home from school and I get all the dirt about what happened in middle school. Like somebody did something wrong, this thing happened, somebody got suspended. Like, and, and they’ll tell me all like the nasty dirt, like somebody offered me drugs today, you know, like, but they
Wendy:
Vaping, weed all of it.
Janine:
Yep. But you know what I, I am so thankful that they come home and tell me that because I like, it’s not a judgment thing. It’s not a like, and or if something made them feel uncomfortable or if some, somebody was saying something or sent them something that meant didn’t make them feel comfortable, they’ll be like, I just wanna show you this because it just makes me feel a little bit ugh. And I wanna make sure that, you know, and I’m like, I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful that they, that we started the conversations earlier so that they feel comfortable and confident to keep talking. And yes, that means sometimes I’m listening to them talk about Minecraft or video games that they play. Yeah. But that makes it easier for them to say, and then this kid was vaping in the middle school and now I like, I just don’t know where to go or what to do.
Do I see guidance? Do I go to the assistant principal? Where do I go? You know? Yep.
Wendy:
It’s so cool to hear that you’ve got like a similar thing going on now, right. After using this work and I, I can imagine you also use beautiful teaching based discipline in your home being what, who you are in what you do, Janine. And it really is just, it’s flooring me recently to see and just like I was having a conversation with my, my daughter, my 14 year old about it the other day, she’s telling me stuff and you know, you gotta watch it to make sure you don’t come in like, well, you know, like you’re analyzing their, their buddies or their friends or whatever because she, she’ll say to me, she’ll say, mom, no, please don’t judge them and please don’t Yeah. Don’t think badly of them and they don’t wanna hear us go into coach or counselor mode.
Right? So you have to like, you’re like working on yourself as you’re, you’re loose. You’re actively listening and just thanking them. Yeah. But I really was just blown away and really thinking in myself, wow, this is a big difference. Like what is it I’ve been asking myself all week, what is it exactly that is causing this child to really stand apart from the crowd, right? Like, I mean, she’s got a lot of friends right now who are engaging and getting in trouble and all this stuff and, and I just, I just know that it’s all this work, right? Like I could put, we could put our finger on it, a million different things, but yes, the social, the emotional component, the, the connection component, the regulation, the coping, which we’re gonna talk about today, the ability to like deal with the uncomfortable feelings when you are someone who says, no thanks, I’m good.
I don’t want that or that or yes, yes. And I can still hang out in this space and not be threatened or feel like I’m not good enough. The belonging, the power, the value, all of it. I’m just like, wow, this, this work is, is powerful. And it’s creating these little humans now that are big humans that, you know, young adults that really can stand on their own two feet and know that they’re supported with their family and that they belong in their home and that they are valued and they have power and it’s so good. So enough about that, that was just what’s been on my heart this week and it’s so cool to get together with, you are the same age kids and you’re seeing and feeling the same thing in your home. And I do think it’s, it’s, it compounds over the years, the work stacks and then all of a sudden you have these young adults who are really do stand apart from the crowd.
Janine:
Yeah.
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Janine:
It’s kind of cool to watch and then I’m like think, I mean, I, I wanna be like, how do I make this happen for other people?
Wendy:
Yes.
Janine:
Because I want them to know, like, it doesn’t have to be this combative upset, like, having a teenager is not awful. Teenagers are beautiful and like yes they have, they are full of snark and I but appreciate that. Yeah. And that like, know that that’s what they’re supposed to do and know that they’re like, that we’re raising them. Like we’re raising them to fly on their own. And if they can have these like, lovely deep conversations with somebody who genuinely cares about them and has their wellbeing at heart, but like knows that they know that they can say stuff and know that we’re not gonna be like jumping down their throat or trying to get like, you need to do this, you need to do that. No, I’m just listening right now. Like, do you need, like I I’m, I’m able to listen or do you need problem solving skills?
Like I can help you problem solve it. Yeah. But I like, I want you to be able to do that on your own cuz like, I’m not gonna be there when you’re in college. Like,
Wendy:
Yeah, yeah.
Janine:
So please know how to do it. Learn, let’s learn how to do it now in a safe space.
Wendy:
Now if I just had the same radical, magical results when it comes to like house chores,
Janine:
Oh, I’m
Wendy:
Like, I can look at that and I’m like, dang it, I don’t know all the work that we practice and we teach. I’m like, for some reason the, the, I don’t know in our house, I’m like, that is our main thing these days. I’m like, can you please just hang up your towels and take your dirty dishes and make your bed? And then I was just telling myself this morning, Wendy, you this is life is not about that. Just, you know, I was like talking myself off the ledge of like yeah. Being so angry about the resistance, you know, and I’m like, teenagers, they’re just, you know, they got bigger fish to fry than picking up their shoes and hanging up their backpack. So, but I know that without,
Janine:
Oh it’s such a challenge. Like they’re rooms I go in and I’m like, I’m just gonna close my eyes and you can just give me the thing that I need to get and then I’m gonna back away. And then maybe let’s talk about cleaning this this weekend. Cool, cool. Yes.
Wendy:
Yeah,
Janine:
So
Wendy:
I’m a big work in progress at that department, but that’s okay. Let’s talk about coping skills. Will you tell us a little bit about what coping skills are? Because honestly Janine, as we were coming to this conversation this morning, I realized that I have always viewed coping skills as like something unhealthy. Like whenever, not unhealthy, let me think about this. So when I say, oh I’m just coping, it seems like more of like a survival thing, right? But I’m realizing especially as we were chatting about coping, like before we, we did this and all the information you get me about what you love and are passionate to, to teach and support with, it’s, it’s different. It’s not just survival, it’s not just getting by. So tell me what are, what are coping skills?
Janine:
Oh, absolutely. It’s so interesting that you say that cuz part of my, the way that I think about coping skills is they are ways that you deal with big emotions, challenging situations, challenging thoughts, difficulties in life, how are you dealing with it? How are you coping with it? And I tend to put the, I I can, I divide coping skills up in a few different ways, but one of the things I often talk about is healthy coping skills versus unhealthy coping skills. So like there are coping skills where you are, you know, wanting to make sure that you are doing things that are not gonna be hurting other people, hurting yourself or hurting property. So those are, that’s my definition of, of healthy because I just don’t want anybody to be harming themselves or harming others.
Because sometimes what people will say is like, well the way that I cope is like I, you know, I spent for sometimes for parents it might be like I use alcohol or I, you know, those are the things that, and while I am a huge fan of, of wine, don’t get me wrong, I lived in Sonoma County for a long and I love, like I could talk about, you know, until the day dies. But like, so I’m not saying don’t drink, but I’m, what I’m saying is I like to make sure that I am showing my family other ways that I am dealing with my emotions in a safe and healthy way. So if I am feeling stressed out, like I’m going for a walk and I say that out loud, I’m gonna go for a walk cuz I need to take a break, I’m gonna go lay down cuz I need, I need to rest my brain for a little bit.
I’m gonna play video games because it’s gonna give me a break, my brain a break. Cuz I’ve been working really hard. My daughter actually said to me once over like at the beginning of Covid it was, I was stressed out about a lot of different stuff and she’s like, mommy, I think you need a break. Like you just, I think you’ve been working too hard. And you know, she just, she’s, you know, it’s like out of the mouths of babes like you, you’re trying to model and then you realize like, oh gosh, like that’s a really good, nice reflection. Thank you. Yeah. So let’s go play a game together. Let’s go do something fun. I like to read, I like to bake, I like to cook. So having those different strategies that I can use is helpful. I also still have a glass of wine. Like I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t, I enjoy wine very much.
Yeah. And so, but I don’t that I try not to use that as a way of coping or a main way of coping. I, I just really like how wine cabernet goes really well with steak. Like I just
Wendy:
Yeah. Yep, yep.
Janine:
So I enjoy that piece of it. So that’s, I think about coping in terms of like trying to make sure that you are walking through whatever challenge you’re facing and you’re making it out the other side. You’re gonna have big feelings, you’re gonna get angry, you’re gonna, there are gonna be times when you’re full of rage, your kids are gonna be full of rage, you’re gonna be really sad, you’re gonna be so feeling brokenhearted. But how do you walk through that and make it out the other side in an okay place where you haven’t destroyed things around you. And that’s what I want. Yes.
Wendy:
Yep. And yeah, a lot of times it can be like the unhealthy side of things is like destroying your own health. Of course there’s things that you can do or say to get through anger or hurt that is hurtful for others for sure. That’s clearly something we all can relate with. The thing the times you’ve yelled or said something really shameful or like said something you regret but then it is so many times that it is something that it can be hurtful to yourself, right? Like a lot of times when we’ll say like I need a drink or you have three glasses of chardonnay instead of one. It is like, it is, it turns into that unhealthy coping. And it’s funny you mentioned wine because I have been on a journey this last year I found an emotional eating and drinking coach that has really been beautiful to, to lean into.
Yeah. If I’m gonna drink my wine, which I love. I love that you you love your wine too. It’s like I do love wine. It really makes me happy, I swear. Yeah. But I’ve, I want to be nurturing my thoughts and first like you said, doing something, if it’s been a long day to bring myself down to at least be in a neutral place to then say, now I’m gonna enjoy this just because I enjoy it and it does, I call it the hot tub. It does feel like a little hot tub sometimes. Like your shoulders just relax a little bit. But I’m not gonna go straight into stress mode into oh my gosh, gosh I need a drink and I need this. I think of that with the unhealthy side of anything, right? Hurt, anger, big challenging situations like you can either choose someone out and it’s like a way to cope with the hurt or anger or you can actually learn how am I gonna cope with this, these big emotions in a healthy way and then choose a response that’s not gonna hurt others, it’s not gonna hurt myself and it’s gonna help this move through.
So that’s kind of what I, what I think of when you say that stuff. So that’s beautiful. Okay. And talk to us about how parents can help their kids figure out what will work for them.
Janine:
So I will share with you what I use with my clients and what I’ve been using with schools and my own children. I use the coping skills checklist, which I created, that was one of the first things that I created. I start, I try to gather some good variety of strategies. So I divide coping skills up further out outside of healthy and health and healthy within the healthy category. I have several different categories because sometimes there are kids like my movers and shakers, my kids with ADHD, they need to move, they, they really respond well to sensory so that those are two strateg- two styles of coping that I include on all of my checklists and I have relaxation. Those are the things that we typically think about when we think about coping.
I think sometimes like deep breathing, grounding techniques, mindfulness, distraction, which is play and fun activities. That’s also a a style that
Wendy:
Oh I like that.
Janine:
Oh yeah, I’m all about play. That is like, that was my first business and that is my first love because there, there are such power in play and I think we don’t harness that enough as a society, as adults, as kids, as schools. So I love to incorporate play and then processing, which is really about like identifying where you feel things in your body. Like where do you feel stressed, where do you feel anxiety, I making a plan for what’s gonna happen the next time. Journaling, writing it out, you know, getting it out on paper to make it so that you are able to sort of process through to think through what are those things that are causing me all or what’s happening and what can I do the next time?
How can I shift my focus, shift my thinking, change the way that I reacted so that maybe it goes in a little bit different direction the next time. That makes me feel a little bit better.
Wendy:
Hmm. I love that. Is, is that checklist something that your clients get when they work with you or is it a download that people can grab or
Janine:
It is a download so it’s actually if people sign up for the newsletter it, I have a whole like coping skills starter kit and that’s one of the first pages of it. And so when I work with my clients, I actually go through it. I just, I onboarded a couple of clients recently and you know, one was really struggling with coping and so we did this, this is the, so we went through the checklist, we did all, we did relaxation one week we did distraction another week and then he got really excited and he’s like, I wanna do the rest of it. So we did the rest of it the next week and then I gave him this like wonderful list where it’s all the things that he checked off. So when people go through the checklist, you actually check off the things that work for you, things that you do right now that are strategies you can use, you cross off the ones that don’t.
Now working with children, I know that kids tend to cross, like you always have those cross offers and I’m like, nope. Only only if you’ve actually tried it. Like have you tried yoga and know it doesn’t work? Like have you actually tried it? If you have tried it and know it doesn’t feel good for your body, cross it off. Otherwise let’s give a circle to something. Let’s circle it. So it’s something that we maybe wanna try and add to our coping skills toolbox. So he saw that list and he was like, I have so many coping skills. And I was like, yep, you do. But it’s just a matter of figuring out, like to first figure out what they are, like to have a list of them and then the next big step is like in the moment to be able to use one.
Cuz that’s where the rubber beats the road. Like you can talk all you want about coping skills and when kids are calm, they’re like, yes. And they’ll, they’ll try it and that’s a good time to try and practice. But it’s like really when the rubber meets the road, when they’re like, oh gosh, here’s an anxious moment, what do I do now? How do you get them to like look at the list or figure out a strategy to use? And that’s where I like to use visuals, especially for my littler ones. So I will have them like pick their top three, your top five coping skills and we’ll make visuals for them. So then that when they’ll keep them on the fridge, they’ll keep them on a ring at schools they used to like keep them inside like their desk or even on their desk if they were like cool with that. Some kids don’t really care if other kids know that they are using coping skills.
Some kids do. Yeah, some kids don’t. And the kids that don’t care, they’re like, just put ’em on my desk and I’ll pick.
Wendy:
So yes,
Janine:
Like, and so then they sort of have some agency and ownership of it and then when they’re in that fight flight or freeze and they can’t really hear us talking anyway, then they can actually utilize the strategy and they can like by just looking at the visual. So I love using visuals, love, love, love it.
Wendy:
I love that Janine. Two things. Yeah. So at the time of this recording, our Bonfire membership support group, we’re all studying charts and visual aids together, right? Because it really is, I love what you said, agency and ownership is really a big deal for kids, especially if you have power kids or strong-willed kids, right? Who just thrive off of my kids when they were little Stella especially. But you know, one used to say me do it and another one was like, my do it, my do it. I’ll never forget that little, you know, the little language things they have and you’re like, oh that’s so cute. My do it, my do it. But it really does make such a difference, right? The proactive piece of like, hey, we’re gonna learn about this in a calm time.
When your brain is able to actually process what I’m teaching you, you’re not in that amygdala state or fight flight or freeze. We’re gonna practice it. But then you are in charge. You are in charge. And that is, you know, when we were talking earlier about why our girls and why our, our kids are the way they, why they’re able to be different than other kids. I swear that this is a huge part of it. And Stella did say this, she said, mom, you’ve empowered me from a very young age to be in charge of myself. Like no one’s, you know, it’s like, it’s just another way that someone’s not controlling you. Yep. So traditional parenting or tradi, you know, many, the majority of kids, let’s say they, they are just in an environment where there’s external controls.
So it’s like if you’re freaking out, well you’re, you will get threatened till you’re scared to stop freaking out. Or if you’re, you know, crying, like you’re going to get shamed into like, there’s nothing to cry about. Like please like stop crying, don’t be a wus, you know, boys don’t cry. All the things like someone will make you stop crying. Someone will like, that’s just the way it is. And so I look at like where my, our, our older girls are and I’m like, so I’m gonna guess 75, at least 80% of kids are being raised in that capacity where they, they spend all these years being controlled. There’s not a lot of agency and ownership, a lot of punishment, right?
Like, and then they get to a point where they have some, some control of things and they’re like, I am going and I’m smoking weed and I’m vaping in the bathroom because you can’t do anything about it. Yeah. I dunno. It’s just another element, right? But agency and ownership, I see such magical results with kids because what you mentioned to me is so important, that part where it is like, okay, uhoh make’s lit up, mom and dad’s got some big emotions. You’ve got some big emotions and you know, we hear often our questions that come in in the bonfire are, okay cool, my kid is like, I can do this in a calm time mom, but it feels like I literally can’t do it when I’m lit up.
And they don’t use those, that language when I’m like freaking out. It just feels impossible to sit down and breathe or whatever. So I, I can imagine your checklist and what you teach clients is, okay, well choose probably the ones that are the most easiest. If sitting down and breathing, taking deep breaths is not something that feels like it’s doable for you, then choose something else, right? But you get to choose, you get to have ownership of that. And I can imagine that really helps in the moment if they’re in charge. If, if the language is very cool, clear that they are in charge and they get to choose.
Janine:
Oh yeah. And it’s so helpful because I, I think a lot of times there, there’s some really great research around, obviously deep breathing is powerful, mindfulness is powerful. But like, especially for kids who they are, bodies tend to move a lot. They want to move in order to calm. So to try and help them figure out what are some ways I can move that feels safe and good and aren’t gonna be like injurious to other people around me, but help me get some of this excess energy. Because a lot of times, like especially when there’s a lot of anger, like there’s a lot of energy that flows through your body. Yeah. So you gotta get it out. So sitting down is like the, like something that’s like not gonna help. It’s not gonna help. So I used to actually have my son run around our house, not inside our house, like literally run the perimeter of our house outside.
So, you know, safe boundary, but like he got that some of that energy out. He would do jumping jacks, wall pushups, doing something that would move and get the energy flowing out of his body so that he was able to come in and be a little bit calmer and like, let’s have a conversation now let’s talk about it. But like in that moment when their body is like full of that, to be able to help them figure out like, oh there’s other things I can do, there’s other strategies I can use. And honestly, sometimes it depends on the feeling. Like if you’re feeling anxious, sometimes breathing is a thing that needs to happen. If you’re feeling like sad, you know it all, it depends on your, what you, what works depends on the emotion and where you are.
Like, you know, taking a nap at school isn’t gonna work but taking a nap at home is completely cool. So that’s why I like kids to have a lot of different strategies and, and I again, I love that the ownership piece of it because the whole point is we want them to grow up and do this on their own. We want them to be able to do it on their own when they’re faced with really big challenges and big consequences might happen if things don’t go Yeah. In a way that feels good. And just to your point of like, you know, the control, it feels like for families a lot of a child’s life is controlled. They can- you control the schedule, you control what they eat, you control what they do all day long. So where can they have some agency?
And so I always try and say like, do they have to do all those sports? Do they have to do everything? Can he, can they like take a break? Can, where can they have some like choice in what they can do? So they, so they get that feeling of like, I have power, I like I can say I really want to do this camp versus that camp. I really wanna do this afterschool activity versus that afterschool activity. I wanna do this club, not that club. Trying different things, exploring different options because it’s, I think so easily for parents it’s like, well they’re sort of like living the life that I imagine for them versus like the life that they really want. Like,
Wendy:
Yeah. Yes. And all of those choices over time, it’s like they settle into a little one’s soul and they just feel honored and respected and Yeah. And empowered and it just, it it just, I’m realizing now more than ever how much that stacks up. Yeah. The, the ener getting the energy out with anger has always been such an interesting one for me because, you know, my life coaching side of things, it’s like we have had some really great conversations around like, well anger is always meant to be felt but not always expressed right? And like sometimes it’s like, cool, teach your kid to punch a pillow, but at the same time, I don’t know man, do we want to teach our kids to punch pillows? So it’s like, it’s an interesting thing, right? But one of my girls that’s in my certification program to Become a Parenting Coach in the Fresh Start Family approach, she has her little, she saves her egg cartons and lets her little girl who has a lot of experiences, a lot of anger and a lot of rage, she lets her rip up the egg cartons cuz it’s just recycling.
And last week she asked for it, she like was fighting with her sister and her mom was like, I’m gonna set a firm boundary just like we’re not gonna go to this pool thing. You know, it’s like I need your girls to keep your hands to yourself or we’re gonna need to come home or whatever. And she had to follow through and her little one was so upset and so mad and this mama really was able to succeed that night at staying calm and just following through. And it was such a big night for this mama cuz she has some history of not making it through, right? Like, you know, like going to that place we’ve all been where you’re just like later you go to bed at night and you’re like, dang it, I really freaked out on my kid. But this night she was really able to stay calm and, and just stay the course.
And you know, the firm rule is we, we keep our hands to ourselves and we’re not, I’m not cool with driving the damn van as you guys are clawing and drawing blood on each other. But that night her, when her daughter was still crying and you know that cry where you’re just like, they’re can barely breathe. Like they’ve moved from anger and it moves into almost like regret and like please just let us go. And she said, I think I just need to rip some egg cartons. Can you please get me some egg cartons? And her mama was like, yes, absolutely, I’ll be right back. And she, you know, she did that activity for a few minutes and was able to like use that kinesthetic energy why she was, you know, doing her little inside work and this little girl’s like four years old, she might be five now, but I mean, can you imagine if we were taught that kind of stuff at that age?
Like, you know, it’s, it’s okay. It’s okay to whatever you need to do, but it’s, it’s not okay to yell and hit and harm and draw blood.
Janine:
Yeah, no, absolutely. But it’s so, it’s so key. I find it’s so it and I know it’s so hard as a mom to be in that moment to hold the line and not lose it. And I recco- I, I see that, I feel that I’ve been there to be able to say I am going to continue to do this. And it’s like, it’s a lot of self-talk, you know, it’s a lot have to like talk yourself through the moments and maybe tag out if you need to like with a, with a partner. But to be able to sit with that and to help, I think that’s amazing that she’s found something like that. And I, that’s what I love about coping skills. Like it does, there’s no, I I like to just have the definition of like having it be healthy and safe and not hurting other people or herself or like, or because it makes it easier to find something that’s going to be helpful.
So like if you like to trace something, if you like to trace a pattern with on your, on your hand, like just tracing squares or tracing squiggles if you like to use a zen garden, if you like to do yoga, if you like to do stretches, are are those things helpful to you and does it help you move through your emotions and get to a place on the other side? Then gosh, go for it. I want you to find it. I don’t really care what it is as long as it doesn’t hurt people. Like
Wendy:
Yes. Yep. Cleaning is a big one for me.
Janine:
Yep.
Wendy:
If I always say if I can time, like time is a funny one to have on the list, but it’s just space time. And then often if I can just clean the dang kitchen and be left alone for 15, 20 minutes, I, I have the tools to be able to process it and walk myself off the ledge. But if someone’s like crowding me and trying to make me get through it faster, but like the kin. But just speaking of the, the cleaning it, it, the kinesthetic, I’m very kinesthetic athlete. Loved to move and cleaning exercise for sure too. But one more thing too I thought of that I wanted to bring up that I love this memory is I remember we had a visual aid for Stella when she was little is a chart that we created.
And it’s so cute. Maybe I’ll try to remember to put a picture in the show notes of this chart cuz it is like nasty looking. I mean there is like stuff spilled on it. It’s like old cardboard from like a package that we like it doesn’t have to be fancy, right? Like right. We have templates and stuff in our program, I’m sure you do too, that are beautiful. But if a kid’s involved and they’re able to have pictures so they can see when they’re little. But I mean, she was three and a half at the time and that was back when the days when she was freaking out. And I just thought, oh my gosh, like this is bad. Like something’s gotta be wrong with her. Like I even googled exorcism at some point. I’m like, is maybe she’s literally possessed by a demon.
Like it was so bad. But we, we had put on her list her little chart that taking a nap, like sleeping was one way. And you mentioned that, right? And I think a lot of times parents are probably like, yeah, right, my kids never gonna take a nap. Cuz my kids have always been like, no, you mentioned napping. And they’re like, no, no. Right. Like anything but sleep. Of course when they were little they took naps. But long story short is, you know, she would never choose it. But we taught her like, hey, this is one way to take care of your body. Sometimes you’re just tired, hungry, thirsty.
Janine:
Yep.
Wendy:
And the tiredness is like a big deal. And so sometimes you, you just need your body to rest. And, and so I’ll never forget the day. I think she must have been six. So she had known about this chart for a while. We had been practicing all this stuff for quite some time. There had been many moments of not having success and or having success, but in different ways. And I, she had been freaking out having a lot of misbehavior and I came up stairs and she had, I found her sleeping in her bed and it was just such a sweet moment because I hadn’t said to her, you need to go take a nap now or else you’re not gonna have any TV time. She just figured it out and she went and crawled into her bed in the middle of the day at age seven, when that is, is not when kids are napping anymore.
And she took a nap.
Janine:
Yep.
Wendy:
And it was just like, wow, this is working. It’s not always instant, but you’re teaching children from a very young age like how to work with your body. Like your body is smart, your emotions are smart. And I mean, that is one of my favorite ways to take care of myself. And it’s not that I always do it when I’m having these surge of emotions, but I do, I can think of some times where I’m just like, oh my gosh, I’m so sad. Or I’ll, I’ll have a tendency to say depressed sometimes, but I’ll be like, you know, I just wanna go take a nap. And then you wake up and you have a fresh, a little bit of a fresh perspective. So
Janine:
I think it’s so funny, like we’ve talked the last time I think we talked, we talked about like how our lives seem to mirror each other. I am a cleaner, I am an organizer and I am a, I need alone time. Like, I’m not even kidding with you like that. Yeah. Like if I get irritated, I’m like, first thing I’m doing is cleaning the kitchen. It’s like I need the dishes, the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I need the table cleaned, I need the floor swept, and then I’m a better person. Like, then I actually function and as long as I, like, I have to have a podcast in probably listening to something about like inappropriate, it’s fine. But like, but to be able to like, I need the, I need like 20 minutes to myself and I need the kitchen spotless. And then we can have a conversation like, yes, this is so funny.
Wendy:
Yes, that is so funny. And yes, I think I always add the caveat that what, you know, that’s great as long as you have the ability to get your, to get yourself through it, right? Like, yeah, cleaning the kitchen for 20 minutes and getting all this kinesthetic energy out. It’s awesome. And there’s a lot of times you can fuel the, the thoughts that are like, this sucks my kid’s, my kid’s entitled brat. Like, yeah, you just, you wanna make sure that you’re, you have that full toolkit, right? Of the ability to be like, oh, this is probably just anger, this is probably just fear.
Hey, there families, pausing for a quick moment because I wanna check in with you and ask you a question.
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Wendy:
I interviewed Hunter Clark.
Janine:
Oh yes.
Wendy:
My – same as, yeah, yeah, she’s, she’s so cool. But she had said, you know, she’s just like, names it like, oh, hello, fear, hello anger, hello. sadness, hello hurt. Right? Like I have, I think with teenagers I don’t know if you can relate. I’m sure you can, but hurt comes up a lot, right? Like if they’re like, oh my gosh, you’re so embarrassing. Or the other day I took a deep breath when Stella threw the remote over the couch and almost hit her brother. And you know, I used to yell, used to have unhealthy coping skills, like, ah. And this time I do what’s called the camel now. It’s like a really deep breath. And the kids coined that phrase to make fun of me, of course. But she got, and, and I clinched my fist really tight and I just like shook a little bit.
But I didn’t yell, I didn’t shame, I didn’t do all the stuff. And she looked at me and she was like, mom, that’s so weird. You look, why did you do that? Why didn’t you act like that? And I was like, and I, I was so proud of myself. I was so inspired by myself afterwards I was like, honey, I was just trying to like, I was just feeling angry in the moment and I did not wanna do something I regret. I just needed a moment to like, and that’s what I did. Like that’s, but a lot of times with teenagers, you know, they’re, they’re embarrassed of you or you know, they’ll won’t wanna spend time with you or Yeah. You know, like certain things that I’m just realizing, oh, hurt is one that comes up often these days. Yeah. And I’m like, okay, okay, I can, I can handle this.
I can, this is just an emotion. So hello hurt. Okay, what are we gonna do to, what are we gonna do to cope with this and move it along? It’s just emotion. Emotions are neither right nor wrong. And yeah, you just hurt is such a fascinating one to me. Okay. Yeah. Well let -we’ve, okay, we have one more to cover, Janine. So, and maybe you’re gonna go into this, cuz my question for you is about modeling, right? I can imagine it’s a lot easier for kids to implement this and maybe you’re gonna speak to this, but our third point that we’re gonna finish off with is tell us about some simple family practices to make it easier to integrate coping skills.
Janine:
Yeah, absolutely. So one of the first things that I always like to tell families is talk about feelings, naming feelings. It’s actually a protective factor to be able to talk with your family about feelings. Research has shown that it actually is helpful and protective for kids. So to be able to start when they are little, when you’re reading books, when you’re watching TV shows, not even like specifically socially emotionally focused TV shows, but just any TV show. Like I would do it when we were watching like Harry Potter movies or whatever. So like to be able to talk about like how does that feel? Like, how do you think the main character feels? How do you think just making sure that that language is part of every day? Like feel, we talk about feelings all the time and making it part of how you con communicate with each other.
Like how is your day? Like let’s check in roses and thorns. Like what are the good things that happened? What are the things that are a little bit tougher that happened today? How did you feel as you were going through the day? To be able to just name it makes it automatically easier to self-regulate, to tame yourself, to be able to tame your emotions, work through it. So I love to start with just, let’s do, let’s talk about emotions, let’s talk about it. And like being able to say it out loud myself too. I model it a lot. You know, I’m feeling really frustrated with this traffic. That’s always my example cuz traffic frustrates me like nobody’s business. Yep. Like I just, I can’t get over it. Like you think I would have gotten over it after like 40 years of living in Boston. It doesn’t matter.
I still get frustrated. And so like, it doesn’t, it doesn’t like it’s, that’s just one of the things for me that it really irritates me. Or like I’m feeling, I like, I got a lot of emails and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. So I’m gonna take a little break right now. I’m gonna like shut things down. I like, I need to go away. Like to be able to model that for kids is phenomenal. Another thing I like families to do, and I started doing this really hardcore in covid time when we were in lockdown covid time, talking about gratitude, things that you’re grateful for. So making a gratitude practice just at like dinner time or at whenever you have an opportunity to be together as a family. And I know that’s not every dinner or every day for some families that’s just not the way that their family can work.
But when you can to be able to have a moment to sit down and say, I’m thankful for the sky. I’m thankful for, I saw this beautiful flower, I’m thankful for the new blueberry bushes at my new house. Like those are the things that I like to be able to model for them and then hear from them like, what are the things that you’re grateful for today? You’re a friend who made you laugh in the middle of science class or whatever. It’s, you know, to start doing that, it makes a lot of, it really helps you focus on finding the good in days cuz it’s very easy to find bad. All you have to do is open up your webs website and find bad these days, just turn on the news. But focus on the good I think is really helpful for families.
And then the other thing, and I think you have talked about this too, like having a place and talking through those strategies that you can use in your home. So like setting up a, I used to set up a calm space in my house, like in the corner of my li my dining room was my family’s palm space. So that’s where they had like a couple of cozy blankets. They had some fidgets, they had some fun stuffy toys and they had the coping skills like visuals on the wall. So, and they had also the feelings, like a feelings chart or the zones of regulation, another way of like naming your feelings. So I would have those up in that we, you know, if you were having a hard time, if you were, if things were getting a little bit starting to escalate, I’d say, do you like, maybe it makes sense to try and use the relaxation, the calm down space, the relaxation corner, peace corner.
So to be able to have that in the house was really helpful for my family. And then what I did for each of my kids, and I’ve done this in other places too, they each had their like coping skills toolkit. So their strategies that worked for them that were their go-to strategies, they would have like a little kit that they would like either have in their room or by the coping skills, like corner whatever worked for them so they could get to those strategies really quickly if they needed to. So where’s your toolkit? Let’s go and look at your toolkit and see what’s gonna work. So it’s been really, it was, I I, you know, my daughter’s always like, I feel like I don’t need to do like any of the social emotional stuff at school.
And I was like, oh honey, yes you do. I cannot get out of it because your mom’s a therapist. Like yeah, you need to do it, but like, yeah. And she’s like, but we’ve been doing this since I was little. And I was like, yep, I know. Still keep working on it. I’m working on it. Yes, I work on my coping skills every day. So like I am a work in progress, I still am working on things, I’m still managing. I’m like, I have, I’ve gotten better at some things and other things have not been as well. So like we’re, I’m working on it. You need to work on it too. You’re not done. I’m not done.
Wendy:
I just made a reel yesterday. I’m like loving these like fun audios that you find that you can make reels with on online, on Instagram. But yesterday it was a funny one that it was like every day, not all day, every day, but every day. And it was like, how often do we work on self-control? How often do I work on, you know, emotional, like self-regulation every dang day? Yeah, I love all that. Janine. So Stella and I, when we were little or when she, when I was little I was, I was young when she, she was little we used, we always had Lego Land passes cuz we live in Southern California and we would go to Lego land and we would make an agreement that yes we can go to Lego Land.
At that time grandma would watch baby brother. And it was just the best, like grandma has has just been such a blessing in our lives. But we would, I would get to take her to Lego Land for these little afternoons. I said, okay, we get to go but we need to, we ne we need to play. Like, I forget what I would call the name game or something. And we would just practice saying our emotions in a non heightened state. So it was like, I feel excited that we’re getting on this rollercoaster. I feel tired, I feel hungry, I feel sad that we’re leaving. I feel, and I would just try to make it consistent throughout that that was a fun way to do it in a calm time. Right? Because the point is, is like if you, it’s like the more you practice when you’re not heightened, the more likely it is to be able to do it.
And so nowadays, again, as these years have stacked, it’s like not always instant, right? Like it’s not always like you teach your child and then two months from now you’re gonna, they’re gonna be like, I feel mad and I’m gonna walk away from my brother instead of punch him in the face. But as the years stack, you see it and you see it more and more and more. And one of the biggest ways I see it now with Stella is when we’re having a conflict, she’ll say to me, mama, I think I just feel scared that this is gonna happen. Or I just feel she’ll. She says that one a lot and one of my greatest mentors had taught me once, he said, Wendy, one of the biggest jobs in your life is gonna be to teach your daughter how to feel scared. Cuz I was never taught that growing up, right? And, and I realized that I roll through life feeling that emotion a lot.
But in our home, like just big brother who was like, you know, punch ya in the fake, punch ya as you walk by and called you ugly and it was just like, get up, you’re fine. Like be tough. I grew up in the country, like rode in the back of pickup trucks and swam in the river. Like just toughness was such a strength. And so being scared, feeling scared was such a weak thing, right? And so it really is so beautiful to see Stella these days just be able to say, oh, okay mom, I think I, I said that cuz I, I just feel I’m feeling scared about this. And I mean, she’ll say other things too, but she’s really, really learned that skillset of that one. So I love that. And then another thing I’ve noticed that I like to catch and myself and help students catch too is you know, actually changing it to, I feel instead of, I feel like, cuz I’ve noticed that when we say I feel like it’s often goes into a rant or a complaint or like a blah blah blah blah versus just like, Hey, I feel blank, I feel like is like a good good sign that you’re not actually feeling you’re engaging with your thoughts.
Okay. I love this. And last thing I was gonna ask you gin in is when you, you talked like in that heightened state, the modeling then is really important, right? So you’re talking about teaching your kids like, hey, when you get upset, go to your peace corner, whatever. But do you find that like you, you need to tell parents like, hey, you gotta show them this. Like, you, you can’t just tell your kid to go to the peace table and then you’re modeling flying off the handle or
Janine:
Yep.
Wendy:
Like shaming or ranting or lecturing when you’re angry.
Janine:
Yep, absolutely. So one of the things that I always, I heard it on a podcast is from a lovely play therapist whose name I can never remember, but I remember, I remember the words and they stuck with me. So well be the thermostat, not the thermometer. You want to set the tone. And so a lot of times I, I like when I, they were, when they were starting to escalate, I’d be like, you have to be the thermostat, be thermostat, be the thermostat. So that was my self-talk when I was going through things because I knew that if I escalated things it wouldn’t help. So there was a lot of work that I had to do a lot of work because it, like escalation as a parent is what I was shown.
And so I wanted to be able to not do that is really hard because that’s not what was modeled for me. So to not do that was especially when they, it was so frustrating. But to also like recognize like, I am a work in progress. I am angry, I am angry right now. So how can I manage this in a safe way? How can I show them I wanna be a good model and I wanna continue to be able to be there for them and help them work through this so they don’t have to do this when they are like 40, you know?
Wendy:
Yes. Yeah. It’s so much easier when you’re young.
Janine:
Yeah. Isn’t it? So like I took, like, I would take a sip of water. I would sometimes like go to the bathroom and like take a few deep breaths and come back out. Like I, and I would say like, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths. Like I legit would say that out loud to them and then I’ll come back. It took a time for me to feel better and do a better job. But I did like, I would, I like be happy with like my baby steps towards making better choices. Yeah. Over time. And then it became easier and, and it still sometimes happens, like teenagers can be frustrating. And so sometimes, yeah, right now as an like a parenting teenagers, I feel like sometimes I’m like, all right, take off your mom hat, put on your therapist hat and then like, what would you say to a client in this moment?
And then I’m like, it changes, it completely changes my way of thinking and I’m like, this is so much easier. So, so it works.
Wendy:
Gosh. And well that thermostat thing is so, that’s a great analogy that I feel like is really easy to remember too. Yep. It’s really, it gives you a focus. It gives you a goal like to, to, oh like, cuz you know, a lot of times parents will say, well, I know not what to do, but what the heck do I do, do right. Do I do be, the Thermo thermostat is a great, like quick. So I love that. Janine, I am so inspired by your voice and your work and what you’re doing in the world. Thank you. Thank you for all your hard work and every single client and family that you pour into. Thank you for spending this hour with us. I know that listeners are going to love this episode. Will you take just a moment to let everyone know where they can find you?
Janine:
Sure. They can go over to copingskillsforkids.com and that is where a lot of my love of coping skills live. So I have lots of different ideas on there, different resources, and then if people wanna look into, I have some visuals that are available for download as well. So
Wendy:
Beautiful. And we will make sure that we put your book onto our shop page of the website. We’ve been collecting our favorite books and resources now for four or five years, and so we’ll make sure we add that. It’s, is it available on Amazon?
Janine:
Oh yeah, it is. I have,
Wendy:
oh, perfect.
Janine:
Yeah I have Coping sSkills for Kids and Coping Skills for Teens, they’re both available on Amazon.
Wendy:
Yes. Our most of our shop page is made up of little, you know, we just, Amazon, thank God for Amazon. I know a lot of people hate on Jeff Bezos, but hey man, I thank you for Amazon, so we’ll make sure we add that to the website. But Janine, thanks again.
Janine:
Thank you!
Wendy:
All right families. That is a wrap. But before we part ways for the day, I have a question for you. Do you follow me over on Instagram yet? If not, will you come find me and say hello? I’m @FreshStarWendy and I love to create a ton of free educational tips and resources for you guys on Instagram. So it’s a great place to come hang out with me, send me a DM after you follow my account and just say hello. I really think it’s a great way to get to know so many of you. We can chat a little bit in the dms. I’m even, I’m known to send some voice memos here and there when you guys have questions or are just letting me know how our work has helped you and your family. So I would love to connect with you over there.
And as always, we welcome shares. If you have been really enjoying this episode or any of the Fresh Start Family Show episodes that you’ve been listening to lately, go ahead and just screenshot right now on your phone and head over to Instagram and just share to your stories, letting your friends and family know how much you are really enjoying our podcast. And it just really helps us out when you do that. And again, it gives us a way to connect over on that platform so I can get to know you and your family a little bit. So head on, over, share on Instagram inside your stories, making sure that you’re posting me or that you are tagging me, I should say @FreshStartWendy. And I really look forward to connecting with you guys every there.
Wendy:
All right, well as always, thanks for listening you guys. I am so grateful to each and every one of you who supports our shows and who cares so deeply about your families. I’ll see you in the next episode. For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstarfamilyonline.com/152.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families, have a great day.
