Join Wendy on this episode of the Fresh Start Family Show as she welcomes Marcela Collier, founder of High Impact Club Parenting Education Agency, former therapeutic care provider, certified positive discipline educator and mom of amazing twin boys. They discuss the importance of disciplining without harm and provide practical tools for caring parents to implement.
With a mission to to help parents heal their reactivity so they can rewire their family dynamic to peaceful interactions and connected responses…. Marcela shares her personal journey and how she developed a passion for helping families thrive.
Discover the power of understanding your own mindset patterns, gaining new discipline tools, and guiding your children with empathy even amidst big messes & moments of misbehavior.
Don’t miss this insightful & inspiring conversation that will transform the way you discipline & connect with your kids!
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Episode Highlights:
- Disciplining without harm is characterized by an absence of negative feelings post-discipline, instead fostering empowerment and connection between parent and child.
- Parental mindset patterns significantly influence their approach to discipline; shedding limiting beliefs is vital to comprehending and effectively responding to a child’s behaviors.
- Empathy versus sympathy plays a crucial role in empowered parenting; true empathy involves understanding and addressing a child’s emotional state and needs vs. assuming we know what’s happening.
- Creating new family dynamics involves breaking away from authoritarian patterns, which may foster co-dependency between parents and children.
- Tools like “redos” and “rewinds” are practical tools that can be highly effective when applied with the right empathetic approach, catering to children’s unique developmental stages.
Resources Mentioned:
Follow High Impact Club on Instagram
High Impact Club Website
High Impact Club on Facebook
Parenting With Understanding Podcast
Not able to listen or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!
0:00:03 – (Wendy): Well, hey there, families, and welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am beyond thrilled to be here with the Marcela Collier today. Welcome, Marcela, to the show.
0:00:15 – (Marcela): Hi, Wendy. Thank you for inviting me.
0:00:18 – (Wendy): Yes. Oh, my gosh, Marcela, I was telling you before we started recording, I feel like I low key stalked you. And my team and I just reached out probably for, like, the last year because we just were so diligent about getting you on the show, and it took us a while. I think schedules are just crazy, and I think we might have had to reschedule once or twice, but I am beyond thrilled to be here with you today. I respect you so much, marcello. I think you are brilliant, and the, you know, the education and the information that you pour your heart into creating to help families is just incredible and beautiful. And again, just thank you so much for taking time out to be with us today.
0:01:02 – (Marcela): Thank you for inviting me. It is an honor.
0:01:04 – (Wendy): Yes. All right, so, well, today we’re going to talk about discipline without harm, and we’re gonna cover some great concepts about that. But first, Marcello, would you start us off by just telling us how you got to be where you are today? You help so many families, and you’re just such a light in the world. But how did you get here? I know you started off with a therapeutic. As a therapeutic care provider, but how did you become passionate about helping parents and families in this way? What’s your story?
0:01:34 – (Marcela): Being in the thick of it. In 2000, I was doing fer care. And by the way, I did it for almost ten years until my son in foster care, he’s now an adult, by the way. He turned 18 yesterday. Anyway.
0:01:52 – (Wendy): Oh, my gosh. This is your son? Is that what she said?
0:01:56 – (Marcela): The child I raised in foster care? Yes. Yeah. Beautiful. So it started 2012. When he came to my house, I was really, really sure about the parent I wanted to be. I wanted to raise this child with respect, understanding. I wanted to. For him to have a voice, for him to be close to me, for us to have a good trust, a relationship based on trust and connection. So I was really sure why I wanted. And then the issue, or I would say the struggle came when it was time to maybe manage a behavior or when I was trying to take care of a million things, and then he would refus to do something, how I would still remain respectful, how would I still remain the parent I promised myself I would be without the punishment tools that I grew up with.
0:03:04 – (Marcela): So, background. I’m a Latino first I’m a latino woman. I was born and raised in Colombia, and my parents love me so much. They did the best they could. And of course, at that time, there were not the resources, information, tools and channels that we have now. So they raised me with what they knew. And what they knew was that if they wanted to discipline me, they spank me, they sent me to my room, all those things that I didn’t want to repeat with my, my own kids, just because I knew the impact that that had for my self esteem even now.
0:03:50 – (Marcela): So that was where I was stuck. I was like, okay, so what? How do I do this? I remember going to the library at the time. There was no TikTok or Instagram or parenting experts. It was not really a thing. But I remember reading some books, getting some tips, and it seemed to me that everything worked wonders as long as my children had we in a good mood or as long as we were not rushing, as long as I was not as stressed. But when we were stressed, they were not working, and I was spinning in that cycle.
0:04:32 – (Marcela): Well, long story short, I started parenting coaching. I was under a parenting coach and my life changed because this parenting coach helped me understand myself, understand what’s beneath my children’s behaviors, and gave me tools, the tools that I needed to discipline them without the harm that I lived growing up. So in 2020, I decided to start Hic parenting education agency. And up until now, we have served over 10,000 clients, restore their connection with their kids, and feel more confident parenting their kids and truly finding joy in parenting.
0:05:24 – (Marcela): And we do it through coaching, we do it through ebooks, through workshops, through courses, and that’s where I am right now.
0:05:35 – (Wendy): Amazing. So you just started this organization three years ago?
0:05:41 – (Marcela): 2020? Yes. Yeah.
0:05:43 – (Wendy): That is insane. Oh, my gosh, that’s incredible, Marcela, because you have built an incredible community and, I mean, I can see why you grew so fast. I mean, you just have this most incredible way of educating and relating, like being so relatable. And I feel like we have so much in common. I have a feeling that our private coaching communities are probably similar because I can just tell you what you’re teaching and the way you really just encourage a level of vulnerability and humility and self compassion, but yet high levels of awareness when it comes to parents.
0:06:22 – (Wendy): But I also feel like we are so have so much in common because I feel like in a different life, I would have been an actress, and I feel like you would have been too, because, dang, girl, your actress skills are phenomenal.
0:06:36 – (Marcela): I think I need an acting class, because most of my videos on TikTok are roleay videos and they’re basic things. The scenarios I show in social media, they’re basically all the things that I talk to parents with parents every single day. Yeah, those are the things that they bring to coaching. So, yeah, I think working with parents directly, that’s what has helped me see all scenarios and show it in social media.
0:07:09 – (Wendy): It’s so good. Oh, my gosh, you’re such a good actress. And then the way you’ll act like the kids often because you do a phenomenal job, too, with your page where you don’t necessarily have your kids in there, right, but you are sharing the kids voices, you sometimes will put the video back on yourself and you’ll have like, a funny filter so you look like a kid. I mean, it’s just brilliant. Like, I know how much work it takes to create these type of educational videos and it’s just wild because on one hand, we pour our heart and souls into becoming great coaches, but then on this other hand, it’s like we have a small production company where you’re creating educational films every day and you just have this beautiful skill set to be able to do it in a fun, funny, sometimes relatable.
0:07:58 – (Wendy): And as I saw, someone had said today, they shared the IR saw when someone on one of your post says, man, this woman is literally always on time, I think she just makes it make sense because when you speak something, it’s like all of your videos as a parent, you’re just like, oh, yeah, that’s exactly what you’re thinking. That’s exactly what happens. Like, that is the limiting belief that so many of us carry around. You just have this ability to, like, really get in a parent’s head and then portray it on film so well. So that’s just awesome.
0:08:33 – (Wendy): So I have a question for you, though. So when you found this work, and it sounds. Sounds like you were, you were new in like, your foster journey, is that right? When you kind of found this work, and so did you realize, like, so my story is just that I was like, knee deep in the reactionary tendencies and it was rough. Like, I hit a deep spot just thinking, like, this can’t be the way it’s going to be. And from there, that’s when, like, everything changed. But I had to, like, I think one of the reasons why I can speak and coach so well to parents and is because I’ve been in those trenches where I’ve had all the behaviors that I teach parents to step away from. Right. Whether it’s yelling, grabbing wrists too tight.
0:09:17 – (Wendy): I mean, I’ve written some pretty intense articles just on those low moments as a parent, but it gives us such u ability to speak to it. Right. Like, did you have that season where you just felt really low as a parent? Like, you were just like, man, this can’t be the way that it’s supposed to be. And then the parenting coaching, like, pulled you out of that or changed your direction?
0:09:40 – (Marcela): Yeah, absolutely. I was dancing in authoritarian, permissive parenting cycle because how I said I wanted to raise these children with respect differently. So I would try really gently and really kindly until it didn’t work, and I would lose my patience and yell, and then I would feel really guilty. And then the cycle closed with becoming permissive because I felt guilty about it. And then the cycle repeated itself.
0:10:12 – (Marcela): And it wasn’t until I gained the tools that I needed to make this parenting style work that is different to the way I was raised. That’s when things started to change for me. Yes.
0:10:26 – (Wendy): Beautiful, beautiful. And now, your youngest that you fostered, you said is 18. Do you have more than one kiddo that you fostered, or is it that.
0:10:37 – (Marcela): One or so he’s the adult one. And there are other ones that were reunited with family, and now I have twins. My b. Right, and they are seven years old. Yes. Um, and, yeah, one of them is neurodivergent. I’m neurodivergent as well. So when you say, yeah, I think I can speak to many scenarios, I feel the same way because I I’fostered, I have twins. I raised children all the way from birth to adulthood.
0:11:13 – (Marcela): However, I want to say from experience, my. From experience. Parent parenting coaching is not based on personal experience, is based on skill. So if you are a professional parenting coach who went through your certifications and your educational process to become this professional, you should be able to help anyone, anyone in parenting, because it’s the same as, for example, a doctor who replaces does hip replacement.
0:11:51 – (Marcela): They don’t have to go through that themselves to have the skill to help somebody. Is the same thing with parenting coaching.
0:12:01 – (Wendy): Absolutely. I agree. Just the base of what those of us who are educators and coaches teach. It’s all connection based theory, right? I mean, when you have relationship based fir andkind tools, it applies to kids of every kind. I have a tendency here at Fresh start family, too. I think it’s interesting. Again, in my own journey, the people who are most attracted to me and resonate the easiest have a similar story.
0:12:30 – (Wendy): They have a background where they were highly, highly reactive. They were raised in a very authoritarian home, and then they have a strong willed child. Those are the people that have a tendency like it. You know, they just quickly are attracted. Right. Because we share a similar story. I did a U turn when my daughter was about three, so we were just kind of doing the hand me down parenting tactics till then. And then when I found this kind of work, everything changed.
0:12:57 – (Wendy): And then at the same time, you know, it’s amazing how we can have families who have a strong willed child, and it’s amazing how well these tools work. But then they can also have a child who is very, you know, struggles with anxiety and is very, you know, quiet and has a tendency to, you know, have low self esteem or feel scared to step up or to speak up. Right. And these tools apply the same, but they’re just different. Right. So it’s so true. We don’t necessarily have to go through things.
0:13:29 – (Wendy): And. And I’m at that. My point, Marcela, where if I have a moment, like every single thing, my own children. So my children are almost 13, almost 16 now. I do get excited, though, when a hiccup comes or a challenge happens that we work through. I’m like, oh, wonderful. Because now I can speak to with personal experience. Right. It just helps, you know, it just helps a little bit. So. But it is so true.
0:13:52 – (Wendy): It’s amazing when you get the support that you need. This theory, connection based, firm and kind stuff is just amazing no matter what you’re facing. So I love it. Well, very cool. Well, let’s get right into our topic of the day. And that is disciplining without harm, which is, I think, so what everyone wants, right? Like the concepts sounds. So, of course we would want to discipline without harm. And then so many parents find themselves just repeating the same generational stuff. Right? What I call hand me down parenting tactics, because especially I think if you have that strong willed personality, it just feels like nothing else is working, that you have to do these heavy handed external controls to air quotes, make them comply. So I know this is going to be a topic that’s just going to be so life giving and bless so many families. So would you just set us up, te us up here on this subject, Marcela, of the idea of disciplining without harm.
0:14:56 – (Marcela): Okay. So just to give you an example, I knew I was disciplining with harm when after discipline, I would feel so ashamed of what I did, guilty, disconnected, far away from my child. That that was the design for me. And if you’re listening to this podcast and thinking, I wonder how my discipline is. How does that feel to you? Once you discipline your children, do you feel empowered? Do you feel connected? Do you feel closer?
0:15:34 – (Marcela): Do you feel relieved? Do you feel that? Do you feel peaceful? Or do you feel drained? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel disconnected? So that’s a sign. That’s a sign. Discipline without harm does not feel yucky, not feel. You don’t feel shameful when you do it, you don’t feel guilty. Your children don’t feel disconnected and discempowered when you. Discipline without harm is the opposite. Why? Because discipline without harm is basically developing the skills our children need to thrive in the world.
0:16:17 – (Marcela): It’s forming long term habits. Discipline without harm is not shutting down behavior, it’s channeling up behavior so our children are able to express their needs, emotions, opinions appropriately. It’s not about quiet it down their voice, it’s about empowering their voice. Let me give you a practical example. So let’s just say your child is talking back to you and then you say, don’t talk back to me that way, or. Or else you’re going to have this or this is going to happen to you.
0:17:06 – (Marcela): Number one, it does not possibly you don’t feel, it doesn’t feel good to you afterwards. It feels like that. Feel kind of like number two, your children, what are they learning? Yeah, my mom, my parent is telling me not to talk to them that way, but how should I talk to them?
0:17:29 – (Wendy): You’re learning to feel scared. Like that’s what so often, right? Like you’re learning to be scared because you’renna get the iPad taken away.
0:17:38 – (Marcela): So discipline without harm is seeing the need instead of seeing what we interpret about the behavior. So the first thing that I want to give you is understand your mindset patterns. Because our mindset patterns takes us to respond the ways we don’t want to respond when we see the backtag, for example, in this case. And then we’re thinking, oh my gosh, he’s so, he’s such a brat. I cannot believe he’s answering to me that this way I would have been spent if I would have answered that way to my parents.
0:18:25 – (Marcela): So we are caught up in a mindset of projection. Were projecting what it would have happened to us if it would have been us. We are caug up in a cycle of labeling. This child is spoiled brat. We’re caugh up in a cycle of pointing fingers our kids blame. So when we learn to understand and discover what our thought processes are, we can get rid of all those beliefs are impairing us from seeing our children’s needs beneath those behaviors.
0:19:09 – (Marcela): So when we are free of those, we may see a child who might be struggling to communicate their feelings, their needs, their opinions. We may see a child who, if the child is under twelve, their self monitoring skills is not developed yet because it’s an area of the brain that is undeveloped in mature. And we will know that for you to be able to know how your words are landing on others, you need that skill, that self monitoring skill, and my child doesn’t have that.
0:19:46 – (Marcela): So when we put aside those limiting beliefs and mindset, we are able to not just see the behavior, but to see theotions, to see where our children are at developmentally and to see their needs. And then they would take us to respond and discipline without harm. And this may sound like this, son, I mean, I know that you want a break. You might not want to talk right now, but mom, go away. That doesn’t sound and feel respectful to me.
0:20:27 – (Marcela): Let’s try this again. If you need a break, if you need a moment, how can you say this to me more respectfully? Believe it or not, that’s discipline. Because discipline is building life skills, building, giving them tools to relate better them to others, to you. And it doesn’t feel yucky. It doesn’t feel that we are putting shame on our kids and we don’t feel guilty when we discipline. So the essence of discipline without harm is empowering our kids with what they need instead of disempowering them because of the things they did.
0:21:16 – (Wendy): So good. Oh, my gosh. Yes, Marcela, yes, yes, yes. To all of that little example you did of the discipline, we call that in a Fresh Start Family in our curriculum. And we call it redos or rewinds. We actually always called it redos. And then we had a child, as daughter of a student, say this is like a rewind, right? Like she could picture the remote on the tv and pushing rewind and doing it again and gosh, redo, rewinds. They’re one of my favorite discipline tools because just like any athlete, right, I always look to like professional athletes, like, how do they get so good? Well, they practice, right? And so you just have to do it over and over again to like, create that or pave that new neural pathway in your brain, because maybe you see this in your community, too, but, you know, it’s like these habits, we’re just creating habits. And so many of us have habits as parents that then, you know, our kids inherit and then as a team, we’re all working to change the habits, right? So when we get annoyed, instead of rolling our eyes or giving an attitude to our children, like, we’re working, we’re working on changing the habit. And so that takes practice. And so redos and rewinds, I think are just so amazing.
0:22:34 – (Wendy): And I love the idea of, you know, looking at what our minds are telling us. And I always, as I was preparing for this interview this week, I was really enjoying just being, like, really convicted on so many levels in my own parenting walk. I have a tendency to just bring in so many stories from my own parenting walk. And my daughter’s almost 16, and this week it’s been, you know, been quite a while that we’re trying to get.
0:22:58 – (Wendy): I call it, like, the teamwork, you know, I don’t know, teamwork mentality dialed and really u really on, on, like, where we want it to be as parents, right? So when it comes to chores and chipping in for cleaning things and doing dishes and all the things, and it’s a challenge, right, with teenagers. And all week, I was really watching my mindset and I was in such a frustrated and irritated tone with my daughter.
0:23:26 – (Wendy): And I love being a coach of this stuff because it doesn’t mean you’re going to be perfect, right. And it means, like, once you’re able to, like, settle your nervous system, you at least you know what to do, right, to change it up. And so last night, we were able to come together after two days of me just being very pissy and, like, you know, just using ineffective tools, right? Like, that’s what’s cool about discipline, in my opinion, is it actually works, right. But when you use, like, the pissy tools, the attitude and the frustration and the irritation, like, you may think that it’s going to help, but it doesn’t, it doesn’t influence, especially the strong willed ones, and it doesn’t teach the life skill. So I was just kind of laughing at myself this week.
0:24:06 – (Wendy): When I was in it, I was just more like, you know, in my little pissy zone. But after a day or two, I was like, okay, I’m ready to come out. I’m ready to shift into a different mindset here. And then, you know, I just know I just can look at it. I’m like, well, that it just wasn’t working. So I love the idea of looking at discipline as if, if we really want to affect our kids, if we really want the behavior to change, we can justify all day long how it’s annoying or frustrating, the behavior they’re having, but it’s really not going to do anything for us unless we can lean in to this discipline without harm. So.
0:24:45 – (Wendy): Okay, well, talk to me about gaining new tools. Marcela, what are your favorite tools that you teach to help parents discipline without harm?
0:24:57 – (Marcela): Okay, so my whole brand is parenting with understanding. With understanding of what? Of what’s beneath our children’s behaviors and what’s beneath our behaviors. And I’m going to connect it in a little bit to discipline, but stay with me here. So what’s beneath behaviors? According to research from doctor William Glasser, he’s a recognized psychotherapist and other researchers, every single behavior, and we’re talking about human behavior, your behavior as a parent and your child’s behaviors is the communication of an e.
0:25:40 – (Marcela): Every single behavior. And according to those studies, there are five basic needs and behaviors. Look to meet one of those five a. So why is it important to know when it comes to tools? Because if we don’t know why the why we’re using a discipline tool, then we would not have the same result and we would not do good. Let me give you an example. Let’s just say that you have two parents. One parent who understands the behaviors, communicate needs, and let’s just say that they do have the discipline tool of the do overs.
0:26:30 – (Marcela): Like the redo, the rewinds. How do you call that tool?
0:26:34 – (Wendy): Yes. Yeah. Redos and rewinds. And now, and I love do overs, too. Do overs is great.
0:26:41 – (Marcela): Okay, so that’s one positive discipline tool. Let’s just say that this parent who lacks understanding of needs beneath behaviors wants to use this tool. And at the other hand, there is a parent who has the understanding of needs bene need behaviors and has the same tool. So how are tools apply when we lack awareness or understanding? Okay, I’m going to pretend or to go in, into this parent mindset when I don’t have that awareness.
0:27:18 – (Marcela): Okay? So I’m going to use these rewind tools that, that wendy gave me in the coaching session or in social media, and then this is going to stop the back talk. Okay? Okay, som, you know what? That, that if you, if you want to say to go, you need a space. You need space. You say, mommy, I need space. Can we, can we do this again? And then the sunn is like, no, I’m not gonna do this again. Leave me alone.
0:27:52 – (Marcela): You’re stupid. And then the parents like, oh, this, this doesn’t work. This is not a good tool. I’m gonna go back to yelling. Okay. Yeah. At the other hand, there is a parent who has parenting with understanding knowledge, who understands themselves and their children’s needs. And then let’s just say that the same thing happens and they’re like, oh. Instead of like, this doesn’t work. I’m curious. I’m curious why this is not working.
0:28:28 – (Marcela): I’m curious, what is this need? Okay, let’s peel up the layers. My son just responded to me in a very high tone. He’s clearly dysregulated. He’s breathing fast. He’s not thinking clearly. My child is escalated. My child is in a mini meltdown. I know. I understand that. Children’s brains, when they are triggered, their logical centers are completely shut off and off. And discipline or anything that I tell them from the logical perspective would not work.
0:29:10 – (Marcela): If this, if they are in their trigger moment, if they are in their survival brain, okay. I have that understanding of where my child is coming from. H son, I see you are very frustrating. You’re not ready to practice this tool. We’re going to have a moment to calm down, and then you revisit it later, and then you’re successful. So what’s the difference between the first one and the second one? The first one used that really great tool, positive discipline tool from a power control mindset.
0:29:52 – (Marcela): Yep. And the second parent used this tool, and when the tool didn’t work, then they tapped into their understanding of their child, and then they were able to unveil the real need the child had. Yes. That’s why in my community, we work so, so much in the parent centric side of this work, because I could give my coaching clients positive discipline tools all day long. But if they’re applying those positive discipline tools with a power control mindset full of limiting beliefs, full of projection and un heeal wounds from childhood, those positive discipline tools, as great as they are, would not work.
0:30:48 – (Wendy): Yes, it’s so true. They really do just fall flat and, yeah, I love that about your work, how much you bring in around the limiting belief cycles and the scarcity thoughts. We just had a mom today who, it’s so beautiful, she’s come in hot and she is working so diligently and she’s doing great work. Right. But you could see her step backwards a little bit that she had asked for some coaching around, like, essentially helping her child understand, like, why the rules and boundaries are good for the team. It’s a single mom, not just the mom. But why this? Why is this agreement, like, good for you, too? How is it going to benefit you?
0:31:30 – (Wendy): And she asked for coaching a few times, and then finally she came back and said, you know what? I just think there is no way this child is ever going toa have buy in. And so you could hear it, right? Like, there’s just. There’s no belief there. And so I love the idea of understanding the child, but I know you really help parents to do this also, but helping them to understand themselves. Why are we so triggered? And why are we keep hanging on with these thoughts that it’s never going toa work or that this might work for other families, but it won’t work for me or my kids are different than the other kids. And it’s just so freeing and beautiful to understand your children but really understand yourself. Like, I think a lot of people are scared of it. Like, the idea of looking at yourself.
0:32:14 – (Wendy): But then once you start to do it, in my opinion, it’s the most powerful, it’s the most empowered way to do parenting, because I really firmly believe that we’re not designed to control other human beings, and it doesn’t work as much as we try unless you have a very high level of fear and force, right? Like, yes, that is true. You can. If you want to have high levels of intimidation, shame, fear, and force, you could control people, but it’s not the way we were designed to be, but we sure as hell are designed to control ourselves.
0:32:47 – (Wendy): And once you start to see the power, like, just by changing, like, understanding yourself and understanding your kids and what you’re holding in your brain that you’re engaging with or you’re not engaging with, it is amazing how those tools start to work and you start to not panic. Right, Marcela? Like, that’s what happens is, like, when we are still developing that part of our brain to, like, be in our logical part instead of our amygdala, like, we’re able to, like, give it a day and come back and be like, well, last night didn’t go so well. Like, that’s literally where I was with my daughter this week. I think it was Monday night.
0:33:21 – (Wendy): Today’s Thursday, Monday night, and Tuesday night, it didn’t go so well. And I’m an educ. I’ve been doing this for, like, a decade. It didn’t go so well, but I didn’t panic. I, like, knew that we could come back and we could still absolutely create a plan and there would be discipline that would set us up for success in the future and repair the relationship. Like, that’s a beautiful place to get to, right where there’s no more panic it’s like, we can do this, but I need some time to get curious and to think about what this child needs.
0:33:55 – (Wendy): Why am I triggered? Like, all of that takes time. And that can become a beautiful process when you fall in love with the journey. Right? And when you have amazing coaches, when you have a support system like I know you and your team do, and the Fresh Start Family team does. Beautiful. Okay. Take us into our last point when it comes to disciplining with harm. So, so far, we’ve covered the importance of understanding our patterns, gaining new tools, and then number three, guiding our children with empathy. My goodness, I love empathy so much. So tell us about this, Marcela, please.
0:34:30 – (Marcela): Okay, I want to. And I want to talk about the difference between empathy and sympathy. So we are same page. So, empathy is the capacity of placing ourselves in somebody else’s shoes. Meaning in somebody else’s heart and mind is the capacity of placing ourselves in their mind, in their heart. Sympathy is expressing empathetic statements and does not necessarily mean you are or we are placing ourselves in our children’s emotions or mine.
0:35:15 – (Marcela): Let me give you an example. A parent who is sympathetic but lacks empathy. Son, I see that you are so angry, but you cannot talk to me that way.
0:35:34 – (Wendy): So that word. But it’s a. It just ruins everything. The butt ruins everything. Right?
0:35:41 – (Marcela): So this parent learned in social media or in the parenting books they’re reading, that is important to validate our kids emotions. And from that information that they got online, that’s what they’re doing. They’re repeating that. But because they don’t have empathetic or empathy skills, their lack of understanding of what their children really need at the moment doesn’t allow. Allow them to practice true empathy.
0:36:15 – (Marcela): So what is true empathy? Son, I see that you are so angry, and this is. Let’s talk about what you need. Do you need space? Let’s work on that. Do you need, what do you need at the moment? So, empathy is seeing things from the perspective of the child, of what they might be feeling and needing and addressing that, addressing their needs, addressing their feelings and how they want and need us to respond at the moment.
0:36:55 – (Wendy): I love that.
0:36:56 – (Marcela): When it comes to guiding our children with empathy, now that we know what it is and what it is not, it ties up to the same thing, understanding their needs so we can respond accordingly with what they need. Even if it sounds redundant. That’s the essence of true discipline and guiding our children with empathy and not just sympathy.
0:37:25 – (Wendy): Yes, it’s so true youe. One of my favorite questions to ask is, you know, my kids and that I teach students is like, to ask the child, like, oh, it looks like you’re so angry right now. Like, what do you need to take care of yourself? Like, what? Like, that’s what we’re all learning, right? Like, we’re all learning how to understand our emotions. Like, identify them, understand them, move through them, but then take care of ourselves.
0:37:50 – (Wendy): So we’re not thinking that somebody else has to do it for us, right? And do you see in your line of work, Marcela? I see this in my community a lot, that parents who come in doing things differently, right? Like so many of us do before we find this work, they. There’s a pattern set up of a child thinking that essentially they can’t control themselves. Like, they’re not thinking this logically or consciously, but the external controls that have been used for so long, sometimes just a year or two, like, and sometimes five, six, seven years, sometimes a decade. But it can create this feeling that somebody else needs to put me in place.
0:38:33 – (Wendy): So I’m fuming mad and I can’t control myself. Like, you need to come in and threaten to punish me or hit me or whatever it may be, or take away my iPad or yell at me, then I’ll stop hitting my brother, or then, right? And I feel like in our line of work, we see often that sometimes families, it takes a lot to shift, right? Because all of a sudden it becomes like the messages, hey, I’m realizing that it’s not my job to control you. It’s hurtful to try to control you, especially through fear and force.
0:39:05 – (Wendy): So we all in this family are going toa learn how to take care of ourselves when we’re upset, when we’re angry, when we’re scared, when we’re hurt. Do you see that switch sometimes happening and being difficult as far as the transition with your families that you support, that the children have to learn, like, hey, when you’re upset, you can learn how to take care of yourself. Like self regulation.
0:39:29 – (Marcela): Okay? So the beautiful thing about parenting coaching is that you come as you are, but you won’t stay as you are. We were families who have spened their kids for 17 years. The kids are teens, and they’re still spending their kids. We worked with families who, the co parents are not on the same page, who, one of the co parents is a narcissists and the other one is trying to do this work with work. That’s where we do the work.
0:40:00 – (Marcela): That’s where we do the work, and that’s where we see changes. Okay, so, talking about what you’re asking, if we’ve received families with certain patterns.
0:40:15 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:40:16 – (Marcela): All the families that come to h ch parenting, they have a certain pattern, a certain family dynamic that is not serving them. And when it comes to authoritarian patterns, it does create a lot of codependency.
0:40:33 – (Wendy): Yeah.
0:40:35 – (Marcela): Because the children are coependent to rewards and punishments, to be motivated. So what we’ve seen with parents of teens, older kids, kids who are already going to college, the challenge here is for the teens to learn to rely on their own skills and develop self responsibility. And we still do it. There is still hope.
0:41:10 – (Wendy): Yes.
0:41:11 – (Marcela): What is breathing and alive? There is still hope. It doesn’t matter if your child is 19. There is still hope. So, yes, it does create codependency. Is it hard to break? It depends on the family, because if there is a history of trauma and abuse, of insecure attachment, or if it is a neurodivergent family like lifestyle, family needs, and. And. And family circumstances play a big part. To say, this is fast, or it’s going to take a long time.
0:41:58 – (Marcela): What I do know from experience is that if you stick to our plan, it will. It will happen, because children and families in general, we are creatures of habits. So if we rewired our family dynamic and replace it with a new habit, it would eventually become part of us, part of how we relate. Un breaking patterns is not easy. And that’s why it does take parenting coaching. That’s why it takes a professional to be with you every step of the way.
0:42:41 – (Marcela): It’s almost like, can you do it on your own? Just with social media advice, possibly. That would be really hard. It’s kind of like, if I need surgery and I’m trying to do it myself.
0:42:59 – (Wendy): So true. And, gosh, I mean, I know it is. It can be intense, right? To break these patterns like we’re talking about. And again, like, I have seen many families where you can just tell the child is fighting for the old way. They are. Like, this feels very new and dangerous. They’re not saying that, right? Like, caus. They’re. They’re just little kids. But, um, it’s just. It can be intense, but it is the most beautiful thing when you look at a lifetime and our legacy, to look back at your life and be like, holy smokes. I was a painful generational cycle breaker, you know, like that. To own that as you’re 80, 90 years old.
0:43:40 – (Wendy): We had u a member of mine, her name’s Rachel. She’s amazing. She said she was at the park one day, and she was with a bunch of moms on a play date, and they were all talking about their great grandmothers, and they were like, wow, my great grandmother, she lived through World War two and the Great Depression and blah, blah, blah. And Rachel was just looking and she came home and she was reflecting and she shared in the group. I realized that one day our children are go going toa talk about us and be like, oh, my God, do you remember? Like, do you realize that great grandma Rachel or Marcela or Wendy, they were, like, the first cycle breaker in our family who taught emotional literacy.
0:44:23 – (Wendy): They were the first people in our family, like, Grandma Rachel or whoever was the first person to change where, like, we actually started to learn peaceful conflict resolution or the ability to teach our children without hurting them. Like, that’s going to be our legacy. And I was so moved by that share. I was like, wow, it’s so true. And it can feel like so much, right? Like, it can, you know? But when you’re with a coach and you have that consistency that both you and I have in our programs, it does become so joyful.
0:44:57 – (Wendy): And then years down the road, you realize, like, I’m not only doing it, I’ve done it, right? Like you, we’re always going to have imperfection and there’s always going to be moments, but it just feels so good to have that not be your story anymore. And for so many people, disciplining through harm is the way of life that has been handed down and also, like, not only just handed down, but encouraged, right? Like, encouraged through religious circles or family dynamics. And they’re, you know, I just have so much gratitude and I’m so inspired by every single family that steps in and says, no, that’s not going to be our way.
0:45:40 – (Wendy): It’s not going to be. And I’m going to step in and get supported with some solid education and support from professionals so our family legacy can be different. And then to see it through, through all these hiccup stages, right? Especially if you’re knee deep in the authoritarian parenting and the external methods to, like, do the switcheroo. We all wish it was overnight, and it’s just not a lot, right? So to see it through and really, like, be that family. So, gosh, this has been so much fun. Marcela, you are just such a light, and you’re just brilliant. Thank you for being here. Thank you for bringing so much goodness to the world, for helping families in the way that you do.
0:46:26 – (Wendy): Will you tell listeners where they can find you, where they can get to know what you do over at hic a little bit more. Tell. Tell everyone all that good stuff.
0:46:33 – (Marcela): Okay? Because we areen to listening to a podcast. I do have a podcast. It’s called the Parenting with understanding podcasts. You can find us on any podcast platform. Follow us at High Impact club. High Impact club. You can find us on instagram, on Tiktoc, on YouTube, on threads anywhere, pretty much. Or visit our website, hicparenting.com. Hicparenting.com. I think I didn’t say it right. Hicparenting.com.
0:47:12 – (Wendy): I got it.
0:47:13 – (Marcela): That’s good.
0:47:13 – (Wendy): High impact club, right. Is what it stands for.
0:47:17 – (Marcela): High Impact club is the social media. Right. Our brand is hicparenting.com.
0:47:22 – (Wendy): Do yes. O. It’s brilliant. Because this is high impact work. You are highly impacting the next generation of human souls. So, gosh, so fun. Again, Marcela, thank you for being here today. I cannot wait for listeners to get to know you and keep doing your wonderful work in the world. We appreciate you, we admire you and you inspire us deeply. Thank you.
0:47:50 – (Marcela): Thank you, Wendy.
