Today on the Fresh Start Family Show Wendy shares her personal story of overcoming old aggressive, disconnecting and ineffective parenting strategies and the life-coaching course that transformed her life.
This episode encourages parents to evaluate their own mindset & discipline practices and the way they communicate with their families … to allow space for self-compassion to help them make positive changes for their family.
In episode 115, families will learn to:
- Become self-aware and honest in their parenting journeys.
- Overcome shame & guilt through self-compassion.
- Choose a different way of parenting that leads to connection, deeper relationships, and a more peaceful & loving home.
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*Firm & kind strategies to navigate challenging behavior with firm kindness & connection (vs. fear, force, yelling, threats & bribery)
*Ways to build connection instead of pushing your child away w/ heavy handed “hand me down parenting tactics”
*How to work WITH your kids instead of forcing them to comply or trying to MAKE them change
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Episode Highlights:
- Wendy’s story with her daughter
- Wendy’s personal upbringing
- Shame & guilt
- Self-awareness & self-acceptance (the importance of them both co-existing)
- Finding courage to choose a different way in your parenting journey
- Overcoming a victim mindset
- How Wendy started to bring self-compassion in her own parenting
Resources Mentioned:
Ep. 1: Our Journey that Led us to Positive Parenting
Ep. 49: Using Self-Compassion to Transform your Family – An Interview with Dr. Shauna Shapiro
Ep. 99: Emotional Triggers: When kids push our buttons with Pam Dunn
Ep. 110: How to End the “Blame Game” with Susie Walton
Ep. 111: Re-Mothering Yourself with Grace and Compassion with Dr. Laura Froyen
Good Morning, I Love You By Shauna Shapiro
Jesus, the Gentle Parent by L.R. Knost
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
Wendy:
This episode is brought to you by the Fresh Start Family Freedom to be personal development course. You can learn more over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/freedomcourse.
Wendy:
Welcome to a new episode families. I’m so excited for you to listen to this one. Oh my goodness. This one feels vulnerable. Sometimes God puts these, these just subjects and topics on my heart and just guides me to record. And I’m just trying to do my best to listen. Y’all that’s what I’m trying to do, but this one definitely feels a little vulnerable. I share a lot of personal stories and thought patterns that I’ve battled over the years. And this is a beautiful episode. I know it’s really, really going to bless you. And it’s also one where I really am sharing my open heart with you.
Wendy:
So thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for, for just caring, caring about your kids, caring about your family, caring about yourself. It is the month of self-love and I’m calling it the month of self-love. It is the month of Valentine’s day here in the US but I’m calling it the month of self-love because guys, one of the things I talk about in this episode today is that it is really hard to love up on your kids and give them compassion and grace and empathy and unconditional love. Even when they’re imperfect little humans, when you are not well-practiced in loving yourself, even when you make mistakes and are an imperfect human being.
Wendy:
So I just am really excited for you to listen to this episode and just thank you. If you love it, please screenshot and share I’m on social. I’m on Instagram a lot. I’m at Fresh Start, Wendy. I do a lot of teaching over there. So come find me if you haven’t yet. And also if you have an extra three minutes, leave us a review reviews really help us to get seen in the iTunes world. And when we are seen in the iTunes world, it means that we can help more and more families all across the world who are really just in need of encouragement and support. So without further ado, enjoy this episode about The Biggest Reason You Are SO on your kids.
Stella:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella welcome to my mom and dads podcast. The Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy. You’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus and rock and roll and believe deeply in the true power of loving kindness together. We hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hello there families and welcome to a new episode of the fresh start family show. I am your host, Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I am so excited to be with you guys today. As we talk about The Biggest Reason You Are SO Hard on Your Child, are you ready for this one? I am just feeling so excited to record this. This was actually not planned for this week. I had something else planned to release this week for the podcast, but God put this on my heart. And I just really wanted to speak to you guys about this because it’s been an area of growth in my own personal life.
Wendy:
That once I realized what was actually going on, and I was able to make changes and adjust and do all the things I’m gonna talk about in today’s episode, my whole life changed. And that’s what I want for you too. Especially if you’re in a season of parenting life where you’re like, oh my gosh, most of this hard, I want you to be blessed by understanding what’s actually could be happening also. All right. So we are going to talk about the biggest reason why you’re so hard on your child. And I know for me what I used to think, the biggest reason why I was so hard on my child. And let’s be clear, we’re talking to you about Stella here. My beautiful, beautiful little girl who is now 14 years old.
Wendy:
And you guys, you know, if you listen to this podcast, you’ve heard me and Terry speak about her for the last four years. Just what an honor it is to be this child’s mom. I can’t say enough incredible things about who she is as a person, the light that she exudes into the world. She is just thriving in life now on so many different levels. And I am just honored to have such a great relationship with my daughter. I think many people fear the teenage years and I don’t, I don’t fear them. We’re two years into them now. And yes, there are challenges, but it is just an absolute joy to be her mom and to have such a tight relationship with her.
Wendy:
And to know that we have such strong elements of mutual respect and, and she’s just thriving in life. So, and at the same time, when Stella was little, I was really challenged by her behavior and really challenged to understand how to in air quotes, make her listen. And you know, if you’ve never heard my, our full story of why I became a positive parenting educator and founded Fresh Start Family episode one is a really good one to listen to the Fresh Start Family Show because I tell the entire story. But back then a decade ago, when I found this work and Stella was three, I really thought the reason why I was so hard on Stella is because she needed to change.
Wendy:
I mean, at the time she was a toddler who had so many tantrums had so many meltdowns, she would wake up sometimes just really like on the like wrong side of the bed. And she would just give you this like stink eye and just look at you, you’d be like good morning or good afternoon if she was waking up from a nap. And she would just look at you and like with a scowl. And I’d just like, man, I don’t know. Or, you know, there were so many times when she would get in trouble at Jim Zack gymnastics class and couldn’t keep her hands to herself or I’d have to pick her up early from preschool because she got into trouble there. You know, not listening to the teacher or making trouble with other kids or here at the house.
Wendy:
Like it really like the poop really hit the fan. When I had Tara and my little guy, Stella was three when I had Terrin and sibling to throw men, entered our house and things just got really, really, really bad. And it felt like she was in time-outs 50 times a day and she was shaking her brother and pinching her brother and biting her brother at one point, literally Stella drew blood from her brother’s back when he was, gosh, he must’ve been like maybe eight months old or something. I don’t know. Literally there was so many days where I felt like fire was coming out of my head. I was starting to get to the point where I just wanted to run away, but I would look at Stella and think to myself, well, the reason why I’m so hard on this child is because she is like, there’s a lot of things that need, like, she needs to be better at, she needs to listen better.
Wendy:
She needs to cooperate better. She needs to not be so disobedient. She needs to, you know, like not push back on everything. She needs to keep her hands to herself. She needs to like, she’s just wild. She’s sassy. Like these are the reasons I’m so hard on her. And what I realized is there’s actually a lot more going on with her and I’s relationship. And the reason why she was having so much misbehavior that was far beyond just the struggles and, you know, the misbehaviors that she was displaying as a toddler, going through a power surge stage of a life. So I did not quite fully get it until I went through a life coaching weekend course that changed my entire life, my entire view of what was actually happening.
Wendy:
And that is the freedom to be life coaching course that we are now teaching here at Fresh Start Family. I am so excited to say that we are producing this course twice a year. We do an in-person class here in beautiful sunny San Diego, California. And then we also do an online class and then we’re even gonna have a self-study version pretty soon in the future. And the, and the in-person one is actually happening really, really soon in late February in San Diego. So, but what I learned is that there’s a, there’s a really good quote by Stephen Covey that sums us up. And he says, we see the world, not as it is, but as we are, or as we are conditioned to see it.
Wendy:
So Stephen Covey is an author who wrote the seven habits of highly effective people, which was a really cool book. I mean, it’s decades old. Now. He also wrote one for parenting that is pretty darn spot on and, and has so many consistencies to what we teach her at Fresh Start Family. But I love that concept, right, is like a lot of times it’s not, what’s actually happening. It’s how you see it, that shapes your days. It shapes your behavior. It shapes the relationship you have with your kids. It shapes the way they behave or listen. So as I started to understand that I had been conditioned to see it a certain way, that there was a totally other option on how I can see Stella and that I didn’t have to be so hard on her.
Wendy:
And when I wasn’t so darn hard on her, she actually responded better and I was able to have more empathy and more compassion. And when I had more empathy and compassion with her, I was able to get more creative and not feel like I was banging my head up against a wall. So, so I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a home where shame was just kind of, it was just part of life, you know, like it was just, I don’t know, it, it was something that was said in my house a lot. And raise your hand if this is, this was maybe said it in your house when you were growing up too, shame on you. What were you thinking? What is wrong with you?
Wendy:
Something like that, right? Like these were very, very common. My mom grew up in a very strict Irish Catholic home and went to a very strict Irish Catholic school in Kansas. She has so many stories of nuns putting her in the corner with a dunce cap and using corporal punishment to correct misbehaviors. So of course it makes sense that when my mom went to have kids and my dad too, my dad has a different story, but you know, there was similar elements raising, growing up in the south. And just, I know that there were certain elements that were similar for him, but it makes total sense why when I was growing up, my parents would take the same approach, right?
Wendy:
Like if you make a mistake, then you need to be ashamed of that. And the goal was to not make mistakes. The goal was to not misbehave. The goal was to be a good girl. The goal was to, you know, not make life difficult for anybody, so to speak. So anyways, so of course my mom and dad, you know, they would pass these messages along to me. And I just remember really having that said to me a lot. So you should be ashamed of yourself. If you mess up, if you’ve been a jerk, you kind of deserve what’s coming to you. Or if you embarrass your family, that was kind of the ultimate sin.
Wendy:
Right. I know, especially like hearing about where my mom grew up and the, the community, and especially being part of like a big Catholic school, it was like very, very embarrassing. If you had a kid that got in trouble or something like that, but grace and compassion was definitely shown a lot when I was growing up. Like if you fell down and skinned your knee, or if you fell off your bike or got pushed down by the mean kid at school, like my parents were so compassionate and kind, right. Like for sure. But if you were being difficult or a pain in the butt, or if you had misbehaved or made a mistake, well, shame was what was wished on you.
Wendy:
Right? So shame and guilt. Let’s talk about that for a second. Families. Shame is basically like, there’s something wrong with you. Guilt is like, you did something wrong. You did something that you should not do again. Shame is like, there is something wrong with you. The very deep being of your soul. There’s something wrong with you. It’s basically, if you’ve never heard, Bernay brown teach about shame. She just does so much incredible research, backed work about the detrimental effects of shame and human beings lives. I love every single one of her books. She has a Netflix special too, which is really good. If you’re not like a huge reader, you can like pull up her.
Wendy:
I think it’s Netflix, Netflix special. And watch that. It’s really good to watch like your spouse too, but it’s like 45 minutes long or something. And she kind of talks a lot about her shame stuff, her shame work. So it wasn’t until I grew up and started attending life coaching classes that I started to realize what was actually happening between Stella and I, and it had to do with self-awareness and self-acceptance and shame is in there. So you just have to kind of bear with me as I, as I link all these up. Okay. And, and remember guys, whenever I tell stories about my family, and if you are going through a learning process where you’re learning positive parenting and you’re, you’re, you know, having some mindset shifts and you’re implementing change into your family life, really wanting to end painful generational cycles and do things different than what was either done to you or passed down to you or tools that you inherited.
Wendy:
Remember it, that doesn’t mean that we’re disrespecting our families. Right? We always say that our parents had a certain set of tools when we were growing up and they did what they could do with those set of tools. We have a different set of tools now, right? Like you guys all have me knocking on your door every single week saying, Hey, you want to learn a different way. Do you want to implement a different way? Right. Like our parents didn’t have that. So it makes sense why a lot of us had things done to us or said to us, because that was just the way you raised kids back then. And again, they’re just this, this information that we have such access to now through like the work we do at Fresh Start Family and our courses and our support programs.
Wendy:
And I mean, there are a gazillion different, positive parenting. Educator is out there that you can find on the web, they have free podcast. All the things like the, the information is just so abundant. But back then, our parents did not have that same abundance of information. So it’s not like they were hearing it and saying, no, thanks. Like I’ll continue on with my ways. Right? Like I do know people now that say that, right? Like most like a lot of people, you know, hear, they hear the invitation and then they’re like, no, thanks. Like, I’m good. I’m going to stay where I am. I’ll our family. Like a lot of our, our parents growing up didn’t ever get that invitation. They did not say, no, thanks right now.
Wendy:
Some did, for sure. I’m not saying all parents said, no thanks. But most of them, they never got the invitation to learn a different way. So they, they did what they could with the tools. So there is no disrespect to our parents and it’s okay to talk about it. It’s okay to talk about how growing up with a certain set of tools today, we’re talking about shame and, and, and how that affects you when you grow up to be an adult. It’s okay to talk about that. Okay. I just want to make sure we put that out there. I want to give you permission to talk about your upbringing without thinking that you’re disrespecting someone, because I have so much respect for my parents. They did an amazing job raising me and I’m going to do things a lot differently with my kids.
Wendy:
Okay. All right. So when it comes to this idea, right? Of like, if you mess up, you need to be ashamed of yourself, all the things. I didn’t realize that what was really happening with Stella and I, once we got to this place where I was in a really just dark place as a mom, she was in timeout 50 times a day. I was wishing that she would just change and become a different toddler, be a different person, lose her strong. Well, like I just, you know, just wanted the misery to end. But once I started to become aware of the, the, the idea of self-awareness and self acceptance, things naturally started to change.
Wendy:
So when people first start out with positive parenting, I think they often become aware of what they’re doing. That’s not working for them. So things that don’t feel right with their heart or makes them feel like crap at night when they lay their head on their pillow, like we start to become really aware, right? Like as soon as you meet me, you’ll hear me start to bring attention to like, okay, well, if your child is hitting, like, how’s that like, are you hitting? If your child is like snapping really fast and reacting like a volcano to their little brother, like, are you snapping really fast and reacting like a volcano when they misbehave anywhere?
Wendy:
You know, is there like if your child has a tone of disrespect, are you, are you modeling a tone of disrespect? Like, these are just things we naturally start to talk about. Once you, you come into a relationship with me, whether you’re in our bonfire support program or in the foundations course, or any of our programs, you’ll start to hear me ask these type of questions. And it’s just a matter of a fact thing. It’s like, Hey, so what would you say? Are you modeling it? Is it, is it present in your home by the adults? Or is it not right? It’s just a question of yes or no. So this is the idea of becoming self-aware. So most parents, because I’d say all of the parents that come to work with me have the most amazing, humble, courageous hearts that 99% of them raised their hand.
Wendy:
And they’re like, oh yeah. Okay, cool. So I’m, I’m totally aware now that there are things that are happening that are probably creating division and relationship disconnect with my child. And I’m definitely feeling a little crappy at night. I don’t like the way I’m thinking about my child. I don’t like the way I’m treating my child, but it feels like there’s no other way. Right? So things like yelling at our kids hurting or hitting our kids, but thinking that we have to reacting like a volcano using guilt to make our kids comply, using threats, to make them cooperate, maybe even being permissive and letting kids take advantage of you or, or people take advantage of you or maybe tricking or Bing, Bing our kids to do what we want.
Wendy:
These are all things again that we start to become aware of, oh, this is happening for us. Or maybe not following through on what you say you’re going to do, which will cause your child not to trust you. We always joke as educators that a child is trained by the age of three on whether we actually say what we mean, whether we actually are going to follow through or not on what we mean, which is a similar, you know, similar idea to Ken, can they trust you or not? But maybe you, you started to become, self-aware like, Ooh, I use empty threats a lot. And then I don’t follow through. Or I say, I’m going to play with them in five minutes. And then I don’t follow through.
Wendy:
Or other things parents become aware of is that they’re blaming all the time. They’re blaming their kid for having to yell or they’re blaming their kid for being stressed out all time. Or, you know, are you slapping? Are you pinching? Are you, name-calling like, don’t be an entitled brat or shaming, which I, which I, you know, it gave an example of earlier, like, what is wrong with you? Shame on you. You should be ashamed of yourself. So this is like, you know, usually parents start to say, oh, Heck yes. I realized that I’m modeling this and I want to change. But here’s what happens. Families is often they’ll get stuck at this point that duh, because self-compassion and the healing piece is missing.
Wendy:
Okay. So self-compassion, and self-acceptance have to go hand in hand because I’m telling you families, when you are hard on yourself, you will be hard on your kids. If you pity yourself, you will pity your kids. If you feel incapable of changing yourself, you will have kids who feel like they are incapable of changing. So helping ourselves first really is the only way that we can kind of chill out on our kids and stop being so hard on them. So I hear it all the time and I, and I’ve experienced it a lot in my home too.
Wendy:
So as a parent, we’ll often maybe go easier on one kid or another. So just telling you a little bit more, like, what do I mean when I say like, why are we so hard on our kids? Like we know as parents, if we’re really hard on our kids and a lot of times it’s one over the other, or if you have four or five kids, maybe it’s one out of the bunch or two out of the bunch. I find oftentimes it’s one in particular. Like I work with a lot of families. I have four, five kids. And a lot of times it is one that they are the hardest on. They have the, the most amount of trouble giving compassion to, or the they’re, you know, they feel the most challenged to be patient with, or have empathy for, but for one child you’re, maybe you’re just easier.
Wendy:
You’re more likely to be understanding and patient and forgiving, but with another it’s you should know better. I’ve told you a gazillion times, and now you don’t have another chance, right? Like, can any, can raise your hand if you felt like that before, where you’re like, oh, I clearly see how that kid I’m really, really intense with. So I definitely saw this pattern with Stella and she sees it too. Like she has raised her hand many, many times to Terry and I and said, PAMA dad, Mike, you’re so much harder on me than you are on Terrin. And now I will say, it’s common. You guys for, you know, siblings to often think that mom and dad are easier on one kid or another.
Wendy:
And then there also is truth in it many, many times. And for our family, it is for sure. There’s a lot of truth. Now I will say with Terry, with Stella, there’s probably more like, just truthful. Like he’s going to call her out if she’s not being kind or he’s going to call her out if she’s pushing back or whatever it is, like, he’s a little bit more neutral with Stella, but for me, absolutely. I have a tendency to snap on her easier and be harder on her for sure. Hey, parents, listen up. Have you heard about the coolest new interactive learning toys for kiddos called tiny boxes designed for little listeners ages three plus they are the perfect Storytime companion for tiny hands and active imaginations.
Wendy:
The Tony box is an imagination building screen free digital listening experience that plays stories, songs, and morph that Tony box comes to life when paired with their whimsical collection of Tony’s, which are hand painted characters with hours of stories, to tell worlds, to explore and songs, to sing. Plus parents, you can record and store up to 90 minutes of custom content, which makes it so cool for parents and grandparents who want to connect with their littlest loved ones from near or far. And let me just tell you these little boxes are the talk of the town in my neighborhood right now, because a few months back, I had the opportunity to give my son and a little neighbor of pal with a Tony box and they both loved them.
Wendy:
My son has been listening to dismiss despicable meat and diary of a wimpy kid at bedtime each night. In addition to his nature sounds that he uses to help himself fall asleep. And my neighbor has sent me numerous texts about how in love her son is with his Tony box. Her exact words were, he totally gets mesmerized listening to his Tony box. And her texts included pictures of her little guy peacefully, laying down, listening to his car, his story, which is a big deal since she’d just had her third child. And we all know how challenging that season of life can be when you bring home a new baby and you have other children at home to care for it too. Plus I saw firsthand when I watch these little neighbor boys one night, so their parents could speak out for a date night that this toy is so loved and enjoyed.
Wendy:
At one point we were eating pizza at the dinner table and our littlest friend who’s a little under two years old, was sitting on his knees and just couldn’t stop wiggling his body dancing along to jungle book while he happily ate his vegetables and pizza. It was awesome to watch. I’m so happy to tell you that Tony box is currently offering our community of Fresh Start Family Show listeners, 15% off a Toni box starter kit using the discount code Tony podcast. You can head to Tony’s dot com to learn more and get your first Tony box. I can see this being the perfect birthday gift or just an investment into your own sanity mama. Cause you know, you love it when your kiddo is actually able to entertain themselves.
Wendy:
So you can sneak in a hot shower or apply for Calvin. Imagine that, all right, go check out. Tony’s after today’s episode, but for now let’s get back to the shelf. Let me give you some examples of what that looks like. So for Selah, for example, if I know for sure in the past, there have been many, many times where I’ve told her that she’s aggressive and that she can come across as really harsh. And let me tell you, there was, I remember one really good coaching session I had with my mentor, her name’s Pamela Dunn.
Wendy:
She’s the owner of your infinite life. She’s who I teach our freedom to be online course with. And I just love her so much, but I remember there was a coaching session I had with her where we like worked it out and she asked me, she said, Wendy, do you ever feel like you’re aggressive? And I was like, no. And then I got to thinking and I was like, oh crap. I realized I absolutely am super aggressive sometimes. So yeah, I realized that I don’t want to be aggressive. I judge myself for being aggressive.
Wendy:
For sure. I can think of a particular story that comes to mind when I’ve told this story on the podcast before you may have heard it. But there was a time when Stella and Tarren and I were at our farmers farm field. This was for years and years when the kids were young, we had the most amazing farmers here in San Diego, California. One, the land got bought out, so he had to leave and the farm went away. It’s now like a retirement home community and the other farm, we lost our, our farmer to cancer. It was heartbreaking, but we probably spent like six years together when the kids were young going and picking a lot of our own vegetables, our own wild flowers.
Wendy:
Like it was just magical to think back on that time. Oh my gosh, it brings up emotion in me. It was just such a special time. But there was one day that was really, really stressful. So I was in the field at Ryan’s farm and I was like picking. It was like, my favorite thing to do is like pick these wild flowers and I would get all these sunflowers. I’d come home with the most beautiful bouquet and the kids would go and they’d like, hang out by the chickens. And they would like pick up sticks and have these like pretend, you know, they would just play together. Now my kids have definitely, always had an element of fighting like in their relationship.
Wendy:
It’s just the, it is, they both have very strong personalities. Terrin has an opposite personality than Stella, but they both are very strong in their, you know, they go for what they want in life and they just have a tendency to fight a lot. But this particular moment I could hear them fighting. And I was really working at the time on the, just learning to detach, which is something I do teach my students and learning. I was just working on myself self-talk and thinking to myself, they can work this out. They’re empowered, they’re capable. I’ve given them the tools. They know how to do it, blah, blah, blah. But I could still hear them bickering and fighting and their sticks were hitting each other.
Wendy:
And then I looked over and I remember seeing these, this couple that lived in like this house way back behind the field, but they had obviously heard them fighting. And they came out to like the edge of the field and they just had their arms crossed. And they were like staring at my kids. And it sent me into like this mini rage fit where instantly I was just triggered by. Let’s be clear. The trigger was not my kids fighting. The trigger was that these people were judging my kids and judging me because remember the old school paradigm belief is that a misbehaving child equals a bad child, equals a bad parent.
Wendy:
And so all of us, like it takes a long time to totally eradicate that thought out of our minds. Like the new paradigm is a misbehaving child equals a communicating child, equals parents who can support and teach that child with integrity. But that obviously got triggered for me and I just kind of flipped out and I raced up to them and I was like, why, why do you guys have to be so difficult? And I said, get in the car now. And I like escorted them down. And I was like so angry. I remember putting them in the car and slamming the door. And then Stella had drum lessons. This was probably, this was a long time ago.
Wendy:
Gosh, it still is 14. It must’ve been like seven, eight years ago, but she had drum lessons that day. And I remember pulling up to the drum lessons and just being like, get out now and slamming the door and just being like drove away. And it was just like bruh, but holy smokes, if that is not a really intense example of how I struggle with aggression, sometimes I don’t know what it is. Right. So, yeah. So here I am being like really hard on Stella for being aggressive towards her brother. And then knowing that like, I definitely have had many, many instances where I am really aggressive.
Wendy:
So it’s essential that you bring self-compassion and self-awareness together if you want to create change in your life. Okay. So I’m going to get back to the aggression thing here in just a minute, but we’re studying this topic this month at the bonfire, our support community and the, the lesson is actually directly about how you combine these two things. Self-awareness and self-acceptance, and it’s beautiful to see families work through this because I can teach strategies all day long. You guys are four-step firm and kind process that’s in our firm and kind of parenting blueprint over on the shop page of the website. It’s a great example of a solid strategy that works so well for families to set firm limits and follow through with consistency.
Wendy:
And another example is our, for our process to creating effective logical consequences, again, very strategy based process that helps families replace traditional punishment based in fear and force and intimidation and overpowering. It helps them replace that with compassionate discipline based in connection and firm kind limits and teaching important life lessons. But all the strategies in the world will fall flat if self-acceptance and self-awareness are not both very high, because what happens is we just stay really stuck. So, and let me give you one more example of like what this looks like before I come back to the more discussion of the aggression and how I really was able to use self-compassion with myself about the aggression to help me get unstuck about that moving forward.
Wendy:
So let me give you an another example just for you to visualize. And this is from someone that I worked with in the past. This was a private client before I started focusing mostly on group coaching in my bonfire and foundations course, this was quite long, long time ago, but I’ll never forget this client was just incredible. And an honor to witness her transformation because she was very, very stuck in a victim mindset and was full of blame about how her child was causing her difficulties. Her daughter was for sure a handful. I’m not going to deny that she had been blessed with a very special little girl who was a mega power girl, mega gifted, like a very, very, very brilliant little girl and then mega spirited.
Wendy:
But after many, many sessions, this particular mama still, still struggled very, very deeply with the victim mindset and blame about how she was incapable of doing things. Like if we were trying to help her stop yelling, she would often keep coming back to the fact that she couldn’t stop yelling because her daughter was so out of control. And she really was unable to accept that she was operating from a victim mindset at that point in her life. So she would come to sessions and she would be very, very upset because her daughter seemed incapable of change to the point where she would even say during meltdowns, her little girl who was like a, I want to say she was like seven at the time, but she would say that her daughter would even say during meltdowns or after she had hurt her sister again, that she, she understood like what she needed to do, but she just felt like she was incapable of doing it when she was like feeling really mad or whatever would happen in her life.
Wendy:
And then this was the exact same language her mom would use about herself. So this particular family stayed stuck in a round and round cycle of blame and fog. I would call it because session after session, we would kind of almost feel like it was Groundhog’s day of trying to reach the same thing. She would be really, really hard on her daughter for having kind of explosive behavior. And then she would basically feel like she was incapable of changing. Even though she knew she was modeling it at some points, she would feel incapable of changing. And she would blame her daughter, essentially wishing that if her daughter would stop behaving that way, then she could stop behaving that way.
Wendy:
And unfortunately, guys, that’s not the way it works. We have to go first as parents, but thank God this all changed when she attended the freedom to be session and it unlocked a totally different mindset with her. So this mama was able to forgive herself for things she didn’t even realize she was still carrying around guilt and shame about. And she was also able to forgive people who had hurt her and wronged her in the past. She started to be able to take responsibility for being resistant and oppositional with grace and self-acceptance. And when she did that, she started to really love herself, being able to see how would I like nicknamed as her firecracker tendencies actually made her awesome.
Wendy:
It was part of why she just was, she was just an awesome person. She wasn’t broken, she just had firecracker tendencies. She’s just had a big personality. She had a tough upbringing. There was reasons why. And she learned through freedom to be how to love herself and accept that there was nothing wrong with her. She was just having some firecracker tendencies. Do you guys like that term? You can use that if you want firecracker tendencies. So after that, she started to soften towards her daughter and when her daughter would have the firecracker tendencies, all of a sudden she started to see her as awesome. And just learning how to do life instead of a pain in the butt girl, that was way too much.
Wendy:
Does that make sense? So this really is what happened for me too. Like once I started to see myself as not too much or like broken or, oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? Or shame on me? Like, why would I do that? Like, why did I get so aggressive today? Or like, you know, all the things like that story I tell of Stella in the field. And when I basically kicked her to the curb for her drum lesson, with aggression that was after I had become a teacher. You guys like it was, I think I became a teacher when Stella was like maybe six. And I swear, that was when she was like seven or eight.
Wendy:
So, you know, I was still, I was like the, at that point, you know, I was still struggling. They’re like, oh my gosh, you should know better. What’s wrong with you? Like, how dare you go teach families this work. And, and then like do this with your kid out in the world. Like there was a lot of that kind of talk going on and it wasn’t until I understood how to have compassion for myself, that I was then able to have compassion for Stella. And then that was the point when everything started to change for us. So there had been many, many times where I’ve realized, and my daughter has helped me to realize that if I’m hard on her, then there’s probably something that I need to look at myself and just kind of create change around.
Wendy:
Right. And it aggression really is an example of that. That’s just one of the things right over the years that I’ve had a tendency to be hard on Stella for, but I’ll kind of walk you through how I started to bring self compassion into my life. And if I get emotional that’s okay. Because remember, I always want to be a model for you guys. That emotion is healthy. Emotions are good. They’re God given. They, they, they are human, right? Like it’s okay. If I feel sad or, or a memory sparks emotion in me, like that’s okay. I’m just a feeling. I’m just a human being feeling. And you guys get to witness that.
Wendy:
So when it comes to aggression and the way I have built self-compassion into my life, and I will tell you that the episode I did with my, my dear friend, Shauna Shapiro, I believe it’s episode. I want to say it’s episode 49. I think I have it here in my notes somewhere. Yeah. So episode 49 with Shauna Shapiro on how self-compassion can transform your life is a really good one. If you want to start to go down this path, this is like, self-acceptance self-compassion is similar also on this subject, if you’re loving it, besides joining us for the freedom to be experiential program episode 99 is really good with my friend and mentor Pam done on triggers.
Wendy:
And then also episode one 10 with my dear friend, Susie Walton about eliminating blame. But Shauna Shapiro, who has her PhD is in mindfulness. I didn’t even know you could have a PhD in mindfulness, but she had really has taught me a lot over the years about how to build self compassion into my life. And then freedom to be is really what took me over the finish line of like having the healing through feeling that I needed to like solidify an exorbitant amount of self-love and admiration for myself because I really am amazing. So are all of you, you all are amazing. I am amazing.
Wendy:
There’s just no reason we need to beat ourselves up, but I’m just going to share a little bit with you about why I’m able to look at that aggression that I have those tendencies and be like, oh my gosh, that makes so much sense why I would act like that. Right? Like that’s something Shauna talks about in her book. Good morning. I love you, which we have on our shop page of the Fresh Start Family website. But she talks about like changing your language from like, oh my gosh, like, what is wrong with me? Why did I do that? Like, I should know better. Like, oh my gosh, like here I am being hard on my kid. And then look at me, I’m doing the same exact thing. Like, how am I going to ever teach my child if I can’t even stop it?
Wendy:
Right? Like these thoughts that just bombard us with, like, you can call them scarcity, you can call them automatic negative thoughts. Like these are all things that we work on extensively in our bond, fair support community, but they are, they are an assault. They are an assault and they keep us stuck. But here’s the deal about aggression. I grew up in a home where my older brother was very aggressive. There was a paddle in our home that hung on the, you know, next to the wood stove, same house I grew up in still to this day, my parents live their same. Woodstove it’s most beautiful, like good home in the woods of, of Maryland.
Wendy:
But there was a paddle that we were spanked with and it was, it hung there for us to see every day. One of my most vivid memories from childhood is me running around the, like the island, which was basically like our fireplace was on one side and our, our woodstove was on the other. And I just remember running around, being chased with the, the paddle. And I don’t remember even being spanked that much when I was young, because I I’m sure that we had like the fear of God in us that if we did something wrong, but like we were going to get that paddle, which by the way, as I say that, I’m like, oh my goodness. Like the fact that I just said that I need to record an episode on teaching your kids.
Wendy:
What healthy fear of God actually looks like because so many people I think are given the wrong message that we’re supposed to teach our kids to fear God in a way that like fear is used physical, emotional fear and punishment and pain is like just boom solidified. And I just really have a different approach. But you know, I wanna, I do want to record an episode on the fact that teaching your kids to fear God, you know, because so much is in a healthy way, because so much of scripture when we break it down, you guys, where fear is used, this is a total side note.
Wendy:
I’m aware of that. But because I just said that, and I’m not that into editing. I want to make sure I clear this up in scripture. So much of when fear is used, it is actually used in a state of reverence and wonder and to be in awe and to relish in the almighty glory and power of our heavenly father that is fearing God, right? Like I am fearfully and wonderfully made by this incredibly awe inspiring grace giving like PR like just God is like, imagine like the light shining so brightly on you that you’re just like, oh my gosh, like it’s, that is fear in so much of scripture.
Wendy:
One of my favorite books, Jesus, the gentle parent written by LR NOST. She has such an amazing Hebrew Greek lexicon in the back of the book. And fear is one of those that she really breaks down for us. But in English we think of fear as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat feeling afraid, showing fear or anxiety causing or likely to cause people to be afraid horrifying. And then in Hebrew, the word is your RA. And that means to see, or be seen with intense clarity and intentionality have a heightened sense of, and awareness of wonder amazement, mystery, astonishment, overflowing emotion, right.
Wendy:
Which is very different than I think the message that so many people get and that you heard just come out, as I said that, right? Like I’m sure we didn’t, we didn’t get spanked much because we had the fear of God in us. So as you hear me say that, put the, you know, I think a lot of us were, were raised or, or maybe were given the message when our, when we’re raising our own children that you, you need to put the fear of God in those kids. But let’s just be clear, like when I was younger and I started to learn what aggression looked like, I had the fear of my earthly father hurting me. And that was fricking terrifying as a 3, 4, 5, 6 year old child.
Wendy:
So it was not the fear of God. I correct myself. It was the fear of my earthly father. Okay. So just to clear that up, all right. Let’s move on. But there was aggression there, there was aggression with my older brother who grew up to be the school bully of our high school. Yes. He actually put people in the hospital during that generation, there was no anti-bullying programs, right? Like my brother was a very like looking back. He is one of the reasons why I’m a positive parenting educator. And I thank him for that, but I watched him grow up and I’m sure he was an absolute strong-willed power kid that nobody knew what to do with.
Wendy:
Nobody knew how to empower him. Nobody knew how to respect him. Nobody knew how to teach him how to be a leader. You know, all that was known back then was if you have a child that pushes back all the time and is aggressive and makes big mistakes like that, they get put in their place. They get corporal punishment, they get grounded, they get expelled. Like all the things there was just so much punishment. Right. So people just didn’t know what to do with them. My, my parents said, like I said, the best that they could, but it was just intense, like watching his whole journey. I was five years younger than him, but he was always kind of like playful, Oop, playfully, but not really like punching me as I would go by or telling me I was like fat and ugly.
Wendy:
I know I laugh about it, but yeah, of course it hurts. But I mean, there was aggression for sure. Like if I was not giving him the remote or like, I wouldn’t like, let him go into the bathroom whenever he wanted, like, he would totally use aggression very fast with me. And he was huge. My brother was huge. I, I forget if this was a factor or not, but I’m pretty sure that he was like on steroids by 17. He was friends with all the football players and jocks who were for sure, also on steroids. And if you even thought of disagreeing with them about something, you would probably get your ass kicked and you got your ass kicked hard.
Wendy:
Again, there was a guy who literally ended up in the hospital, like the whole high school, like watch this fight one time. Right? So I’m not kidding. When I say that, you know, aggression was like really a big thing that was modeled to me in the home I grew up in And the town I grew up in, I also grew up next to a house where my best friends next door were taught to fight like Claude van Damme by middle school, trained how to shoot guns with the mindset of not needing any justification to kill someone if they walked on their property, if they weren’t welcome. And by the time these girls were in high school, I watched one beat up a girl at a keg party, putting her head through a window and knocking her to the ground. Like she was a ragdoll. So no joke.
Wendy:
I grew up with some aggressive shit being modeled to me. So when I had kids, anger hit hard. Like my kids fighting. I always say it’s like the kryptonite for me. I’m like, when my kids fight, it just triggers me. I shouldn’t say, let me correct. That. I feel triggered when my kids fight. My kids fighting is not what triggers me. I feel triggered when my kids fight. This is a huge clarification that we really teach a lot about here at Fresh Start Family. Also, when people I think are judging me, that’s another one, right? Like I have quite a few triggers as I’m sure. I know everybody has quite a few triggers, but my goodness, when anger would hit, it makes total sense why aggressiveness would come out.
Wendy:
Right? Like that story I tell of the kids fighting in the field earlier. Yes. Aggressiveness, like, of course it comes out. It was modeled for me for 18 years, 18 years of my life, as I was growing up in my, my brain was developing. That’s how I saw anger and feeling like I was out of control or people feeling like they were out of control. They became aggressive Pausing this episode for a moment to say thank you to Troomi wireless for supporting the Fresh Start Family Show and for helping to keep our kids safe. If you haven’t heard me talk about Troomi before these are the phones both my kids have that are great alternatives to iPhones.
Wendy:
If you’re like me and trying to wait as long as possible to give your kids smartphones, Troomi devices give us as parents. The ability to get in touch with their kiddos at any time, but keep kids safe by setting settings to include text and voice calls. Only when you use the code FreshStart, you’ll get $50 off any Troomi device, just head to true me.com now to check them out and special bonus. This month, we are doing a giveaway over on Instagram to give away a Treme phone and two months service to one lucky winner this month.
Wendy:
So make sure you go check it out, just head on over to Instagram and find me I’m at Fresh Start Wendy, and look for the post that says true me giveaway. All right, families. Good luck back to the show. Now remember, it’s so important that, you know, you guys remember this is, this is not about blame, right? This is not about saying the reason why I was aggressive with my daughter when she misbehaved or was unkind to her brother or made a mistake was because of the way I was raised. You know, we actually learn in the freedom to be course how to stop blaming and instead take personal responsibility.
Wendy:
So this is an opportunity as I share this with you guys, just to share how I, some of the ways that I’m able to form self-compassion for myself while also taking responsibility. This is that idea of self-awareness and self-acceptance in one. So yes, I can talk to myself and almost talk to like the little Wendy inside of me after I make a mistake like that and say, Wendy, look it’s, it’s no wonder why you have a tendency to become aggressive. If you get stressed or angry or scared, or feel like you’re out of control or don’t know what to do, because that was modeled to you for so many years. So no wonder like that had to have been really scary for you.
Wendy:
That had to have been really hard for you. And now you’re all grown up and you don’t have to choose to do that anymore. You get to, you get to be at choice. You get to choose a different way to respond to challenges. You get to choose a different way to establish, you know, power in your life or get what you want with people around you. But you can hear that. I get to talk to myself in a different tone of voice, right? So it has helped me over the years to, to use that phrase of no wonder, this is a habit for you. No wonder you have a tendency to get really angry or even have like those rage moments where you slam the door or do whatever it, you make sense to me.
Wendy:
Right? And it’s kind of me talking to that little, little Wendy or my child self. If you’ve never heard the episode I recorded with Dr. Laura Freud in on re mothering yourself. It’s just fantastic. Go find it. You can. I forget which episode it is now, but you can Google it really easily. It’s called re mothering yourself with Dr. Laura Fran with a Fresh Start Family Show. But again, just sharing all of that back history with you about, you know, some of the things I was exposed to when I was raised, when I was growing up, just so you can understand that that is part of my self compassionate practice. That is part of my self acceptance practice is like, yes, I’m aware and to become self-accepting is like a whole different ball game.
Wendy:
Right? So for years I would think about Stella, like, oh, like, why is she so aggressive? If only she could just like chill out. And then the unfinished sentence of like, then everything would be easier. Like she would be easier and life would be easier and all the things, but really the whole time I was actually probably subconsciously beating myself up. And I know this after I became aware of it, I was for me being so aggressive. And when I was so aggressive, I was unlovable and broken, which then caused me to beat still up instead of showing her compassion. So back to that field story, instead of my daughter, being able to get in the car, like, and me saying, Hey, you guys, I know you guys are doing your best.
Wendy:
And both of you have such strong opinions about how you want things to go. And I need your help with showing kindness to one another, because it’s not okay to fight in someone’s field. Those neighbors just had their data, you know, disturbed. And I need to counsel you guys, we’re going to practice again, what it looks like to show each other respect and how to work out our differences peacefully, but I promise you the results would have been better. And there wouldn’t have been a level of shame plus a modeling of aggression, right? Because really when you look back at that story, remember all mistakes we make in life. You guys, especially as parents are simply opportunities to learn. There’s a great quote that I love lately that I’ve heard that failure is just unfinished success.
Wendy:
There’s no reason to beat yourself up. I’m not beating up about this field story. However, I will tell you that there were definitely the, the shame and the aggression that I used. It made marks on my children that day, especially my daughter. Now, thank God because of the work that I do. I know how to make amends. I have made amends with her about that, and that actually turned into a beautiful conversations about how I’m unperfect. And I love that. I get to show my kids that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. It’s one. I think it’s one of my greatest things that one day when I tie, I’ll say, oh my gosh, kids, I’m so happy.
Wendy:
I taught you that, that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved, but you’re perfect just the way you are, mistakes are just opportunities to learn. So we just, we never have to beat ourselves up about past mistakes or situations, but didn’t go differently. We just have to be willing to step into change. We just have to be willing to see things differently. We just have to be willing to get help, to heal from trap past traumas and hurts. And we just have to be able and willing to look at our limiting beliefs and protection behaviors that are keeping us stuck and then learn how to shift them. So we can be the change that we wish to see in our home.
Wendy:
So I hope that makes sense. You guys, the reason why we are so hard on our kids is often because we are so hard on ourselves and I promise you, if you start to look for this, you’re going to see it in your parenting life just tomorrow after you’ve listened to this episode, I just want you to kind of start to become aware of your thoughts, become aware of the things that you’re saying, especially to your kid. That’s maybe your harder kid, which often, by the way, our harder kids are often the ones that are most like us.
Wendy:
Like I have a book that I, when I first went through the freedom to be chorus, we do it that we do that course a little bit differently than the way we used to. But there used to be an exercise. Yeah. Again, it’s a little bit different now it’s similar, but it’s a little bit different. But back then we used to do an exercise where we had to take someone who was, we were like blaming. We were basically saying, if you would just change, my life would be so much better if, you know, if you were just like different and ABCD and F ways. And so back then that was, you know, that was my daughter that I chose. She was three at the time. And I said, oh yes, let’s do this exercise. And it’s definitely her. And I can tell you 10 reasons why she makes my life so difficult.
Wendy:
And I went through the course. Obviously it changed my whole life. I just feel like after that class is when I actually started to be able to implement the positive parenting strategies with ease, instead of feeling like I was having to white knuckle them. But I look back at that notebook, but I still have to this day, I’ll grab it right now. It’s so cute. I have this original notebook and it has Stella’s drawings all over it from when she was that age, she just had the cutest little style. Maybe I’ll, I’ll attach like a picture of this in the show notes page. Cause it is really so, so cute. But some of the things that I had written out, because part of the exercise was to really write 10 reasons why this person was causing you so much difficulty and challenge.
Wendy:
And if they would just change, your life would be so much better. So it’s basically like 10 reasons why you’re so hard on this, this person. And I chose her and I’ll give you there’s 10 of them. But some of the ones, when I read them back now, I’m like, oh my gosh, that is so crazy because I for sure was in a season where I was so tough on myself. It took me years to develop a practice of self-compassion to not be tough on myself. But one of them was, she had no pause button. She was super reactionary, which again, especially during that season, but for many, many, many years, I still, to this day, I struggle with not being reactionary instead of being responsive or another complaint or, or a reason why I wish she would change where she was too rough with her brother, the toys and the dog, which again, like I had plenty of time where I was so hard on myself for being too rough.
Wendy:
Remember I am the same girl who has written very vulnerably and honesty, honestly, articles on on times when I made big mistakes with my kids, there’s an article you can Google called. I left bruises. And then another one called the night. I threw a book at my kid, but oh my gosh, like the amount I beat myself up for those things was so intense for a long time. I’m very stubborn and resistant is another thing I have on the list here, which is hilarious because now I know I beat myself up for that for many, many years. And now I look at it as one of my greatest strengths being so stubborn and resistant to like, you know, will stubborn in the fact that like I never give up, like building this business has been an example of that.
Wendy:
Like I will not ever give up on creating an organization that reaches the masses to empower and you know, just fill homes with the option to teach their kids important life lessons in different ways. And what’s been done to them. But then the resistant to like, I pride myself now on being resistant. Like, heck no, I am not going to accept societal norms that it’s okay to hurt kids. Like especially in my faith world, right in the Christian world, there are so many people that preach that and I’m like, heck no, I will not ever support that. And so I love that about myself now, but there were many, many years where I would beat myself up and think, man, I’m just so stubborn and resistant to so much.
Wendy:
Those are just a few. The last one that I thought was so funny when I read this back, like many, many years later was that she denies herself. So she has to go pee or she needs sleep or she needs to eat or whatever. Then she’ll just like push herself and like not do those things. Right. And this was describing her at the age of three. And I’m telling you, I still, I still am working on loving myself and having compassion with myself because I have a tendency to like work myself to the bone. Like I will be so hungry and then I will not stop. And then all of a sudden I’ll have a headache and I’m like, oh my gosh, I should have just stopped and eaten. Like, what’s wrong with me? Right? Like I just am giving you guys this example because I’m telling you, it is so spot on with how we really are the hardest on our kids when we are hard on ourselves.
Wendy:
And a lot of times, not always you guys, but a lot of times our kids that we label as the most difficult, have a tendency to be the ones that are most similar to us, the ones that remind us of ourselves. And you may not quite be aware of that yet. Hopefully this episode is bringing awareness to the table for you. But if you start to like play around with it and you start to just notice like, oh my gosh, when I have that thought about my child, is that something that I judge myself for too, right? Is that something that I have a tendency to really beat myself up about? Okay. So I hope this episode has blessed you.
Wendy:
And if you’re totally down with all the stuff that I talked about in this episode, you guys, you are definitely going to want to join me for their freedom to be weekend. Course. We have one happening very soon. Like I mentioned earlier in beautiful sunny San Diego, California, I’m at a gorgeous ocean front resort. The, the room that we’ll be learning in together is actually an ocean view. And so I’m really, really excited to be teaching there. And I promise you, it will be the best investment you ever make in yourself and your family. So, and, and if you’re listening to this after that weekend course has taken place. Make sure you still go over to the info page because we will be teaching that course once in person, each year, and then once online.
Wendy:
So online is a great way to do the course in person is always what I’m going to recommend. If you can swing it and you like are like, you’re like if you’re like craving a weekend away, trust me, like it’s, you don’t need to feel guilty for wanting a weekend away from your kids and even your spouse. Like if you can come with your spouse, great, but don’t feel bad. You guys taking care of yourself, taking care of your heart healing from past traumas, healing from past hurts, forgiving yourself, learning to love yourself. More like letting go of past limiting beliefs and protection behaviors. This is all such a beautiful way to take care of yourself. It is the month of love. And this is just such a fantastic gift.
Wendy:
You can give yourself and, or like, again, if your spouse wants to come with you, it’s the best gift you can give for your marriage. But, but just, just remember, it’s, it’s just takes courage. It takes courage. And we would, we would love to have you in person. It’s always the best, the best way to learn, but if you can’t make it happen in person, we’re always going to have the online class happened each year. And then we are working on a self study version of this class too. I know I’ve had a lot of Australian families contacting me saying, when do this looks amazing, but there’s no way we could ever attend live because they’re on opposite time zones. So we are working on that behind the scenes. But if you just had to Fresh Start Family online.com forward slash freedom course, you’ll be able to learn all about it and get your name on the wait list if it’s past the live San Diego course happening.
Wendy:
If that makes sense. Okay. All right. You guys big hugs. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode, screenshot it right now and share over on Instagram. You can find me I’m at Fresh Start, Wendy, but that’s really the easiest way you guys to say, thank you for creating this free content for you each and every week. I’m just so, so grateful when you do that. So, all right, well, I love you all and I can’t wait to see you at freedom to be very, very soon or on the next episode for links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to Fresh Start Family, online.com forward slash one 15.
Stella:
For more information, go to Fresh Start Family, online.com. Thanks for listening. Families have a great day.
Wendy:
Alright, families, that’s a wrap. I hope you loved today’s episode. As much as I loved recording it for you. And if you want to learn more about the Fresh Start Family, freedom to be life coaching weekend course, then head on over to Fresh Start Family, online.com forward slash freedom course. To learn more. We have all the information about pricing, location dates, and you’ll see that we even have a payment plan to make this affordable for everyone who wants to join us. So head on over there and check it out and you can always email me. If you have questions, Wendy, at Fresh Start Family, online.com. Just remember seats are very, very limited. We only have 20 seats available and we already have five tickets sold.
Wendy:
So that means we have 15 tickets left and I want you to be able to join us. So go ahead, go check it out now. Fresh Start Family, online.com forward slash freedom course. And I can’t wait to see you there.
