Helping our children be emotionally prepared in this world is one of the biggest gifts we can give them. Empowering them to be self-reliant when they’re out in the world – when we’re not looking & around to solve their problems … is such an important part of parenting. It is possible to help them learn to advocate for themselves and have high levels of emotional literacy and this starts with us being prepared.
Wendy sits with Dr. Pamela Ellis – dubbed The Education Doctor– founder of Compass Education Strategies, and discusses the many ways we can support our kids as they develop important life skills … especially as they prepare to fly the coop as teenagers.
We don’t just want our kids to succeed & be successful in life … we want them to be HAPPY & HEALTHY (most importantly!).
Dr. Ellis brings so much great insight about the emotional preparedness that it takes for parents to raise happy, healthy, kids who are equipped to take on the challenges they face in our ever more complicated world … especially when they don’t have us by their side.
In this episode, you’ll learn the importance for parents to:
- Start early with teaching about emotion regulation & literacy
- Recognize that you’re modeling at all times & be willing to change
- Make time for self-care (you can’t pour from an empty cup)
Are you ready to create the life you want (filled with strong healthy relationships) + live with high self-esteem, confidence. peace & joy?
Special thanks to Parent Playbook for their support of the Fresh Start Family Show! To learn more about this incredible parent empowerment platform, click here!
Episode Highlights:
- Empowering our kids to learn to self-advocate
- Giving our kids the verbiage and tools to use out in the world
- Modeling the mindset we want our kids to have
- The many forms of self-care
- The benefits of mono-tasking
Mentioned in this Episode:
Where to connect with Dr. Ellis:
Not able to listen or want to read along with us?
Here is the episode transcript!
This episode is brought to you by the free Fresh Start Family learning guide: how to raise strong-willed kids with integrity so you don’t lose your mind. We understand what it’s like, families, to raise kids who push back a lot, maybe push buttons often, and say no more than they say yes, and we’re here to help. You can download our free learning guide at freshstartfamilyonline.com/strongwilledkids.
Wendy:
Well, hello listeners. I’m so happy you are here. I’m Wendy Snyder, positive parenting educator and family life coach. And I’m excited for episode today with Dr. Pamela Ellis, who is the founder of an organization called Compass Education Strategies. And it’s actually an education research firm that assists relocating families with their education options in new communities and helps students find and apply to education settings where they can thrive and graduate. So when they approached me and wanted to be on the show and I looked into her work, I thought it was really fascinating and just different than what we normally have on the show.
And we ended up just having such a rich conversation around what we can do as parents to really help like the, the emotional preparedness that it takes for parents like us to raise happy, healthy kids who are equipped to take on the challenges that they face in our ever more complicated world, right? Like there are just so many challenges that our kids face out in the world when they’re not under our wing, so to speak. And I just thought Pamela’s work was really fascinating. So I’m just gonna read a little bit more about her and then you’ll get to know her more in this episode.
And I think you’re really gonna enjoy the wisdom that she shares her organization, Compass, has key areas of research, where they look at transition retention and student stress. And Dr. Ellis has over 20 years consulting experience in the private sector and field of education with state education agencies, school districts, and higher education. Her advising and client-focus is informed by current education research and professional experience as a researcher and teacher Dr. Pamela graduated from Stanford University with a Bachelor of Arts in Linguistics before earning a Master’s in Business Administration from Dartmouth.
So she completed her PhD from Stanford University School of Education. So, oh my goodness, Dr. Pamela Ellis is just one smart cookie. And again, I just think she has so much wisdom to share combined with her, her big heart and her love for families and kids just makes us a really great episode that I know you are going to enjoy. So help me welcome Dr. Pamela Ellis to the show. And as always, you guys remember that if you are not on our newsletter email list, yet it is time to hop on. You can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/newsletter, just to make sure you are getting weekly notifications of our most recent podcasts.
Sometimes we even have bonus podcast episodes that we do. We often have blog, post educational articles that we write that’ll give you just a quick hit of encouragement and motivation in, you know, seven minutes or less usually is what we strive for. And we just love to stay in touch with you via email. And it’s just a great way to be able to reply or ask me questions or get in touch easily with my team and I, when you have stuff come up in your parenting walk that you need support with. So again, freshstartfamilyonline.com/newsletter. If you are not on our email list, I look forward to serving and supporting you once you are on through our weekly emails.
So without further ado, help me welcome Dr. Pamela Ellis to the show.
Stella:
Well, Hey there, I’m Stella. Welcome to my mom and dad’s podcast, the Fresh Start Family Show. We’re so happy you’re here. We’re inspired by the ocean, Jesus and rock and roll, and believe deeply in the true power of love and kindness. Together we hope to inspire you to expand your heart, learn new tools and strengthen your family. Enjoy the show.
Wendy:
Well, hey there, listeners. Welcome to a new episode of the Fresh Start Family Show. I am so excited to be here this morning with Dr. Pamela Ellis, who is going to be talking to us about the emotional preparedness that it takes for parents to raise happy, healthy kids who are equipped to take on the challenges they face in our ever complicated world. Welcome Dr. Ellis.
Dr. Ellis:
Thank you, Wendy. I am just so thrilled to be here today and just love talking to families. It’s something I do all day, every day and something I never tire of.
Wendy:
Nice. I love it. What part of the world are you in right now? Forgot to ask.
Dr. Ellis:
I am in Dayton, Ohio right now. And so most people, whether they’re, if they’re on the west coast, they’re wondering, okay, like where is that? It’s in the middle. And so I’m in what would be considered Southwest Ohio near Cincinnati.
Wendy:
Nice. That’s where our business manager is for Fresh Start Family. We are based outta California, but that is where our business manager Laura is. Well, cool. Well, we are so excited to chat with this chat with you about this today. It’s such a great topic, but start us off by telling us just a little bit more about your journey, about how you became so passionate about helping families in the way that you do, what your company Compass College Advisory does. And just a little bit more about your story.
Dr. Ellis:
Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So, you know, my story, you know, I don’t wanna go too far back, but in terms of upbringing, I am not only a first generation college student, I’m a first generation high school student. And so my mom finished eighth grade and my dad finished 10th. And so for me, me, when it came to even thinking about college and higher education, it was just not a conversation that we really had in our home. Yeah. And so when, you know, I was in high school and started applying to colleges, it was, you know, just kind of scrambling around, doing it on my own, trying to figure out, you know, where to apply.
And so anyone who wrote me a letter, I applied because I, I knew I just wanted to go. I just wanted to go. And when it came time after I got all my letters from the colleges, you know, my mother was like, gosh, you know, why do you even need to go? And so it wasn’t even a thought that I would go away to college. And of course, once she found out I would be going to California, that’s where I wanted to go. She was just like, oh, oh baby, why do you wanna do that? But the thing about it is, you know, still today, there’s often that hesitancy that we have about letting our kids go and I never forgot that.
And so that was really the genesis of what I do today because I’m working with families with parents, especially to support them in being able to let, go to let go. And so, right. Yeah. And you know, I, I did go to college and when I got there, my mom gave me $70 to last me the whole year and you know, something, Wendy, I thought that was a lot of money. I was like, that’s great until I got to the book store the next day. Books were $350 for one quarter.
So yeah. And I, you know, I vowed that I, I didn’t want that with my own kids in terms of them not having the resources, you know, once they got to college and I wanted to learn everything I could in terms of supporting them. And you know, when I did become a mom, I just became obsessed with schooling and trying to figure out how do I support their success. And so I, when the obsession got really bad, I went back to Stanford and got my doctorate degree. And so my research work is around high school to college transition. And so, wow, that’s, that’s the story. That’s what brought me here.
And what I do all day every day is talk with families about their kids’ educational journey. And, you know, in a nutshell, I say, it’s helping teens find a college that feels like home in partnering, partnering with parents to avoid overpaying.
Wendy:
Wow. What a unique service. And when I saw what you did, I was like, this is so cool. And your combination of education and the research that you’ve done. I know all of your work is like really based on current education research and your professional experience as a researcher and teacher. And that’s awesome. I love it. Well, what a cool story. Gosh, first generation high school graduate, and then you didn’t go on to just graduate college. You graduated with a bachelor and then a master’s and then a PhD. Holy smokes.
Dr. Ellis:
I know. Holy smokes.
Wendy:
It’s inspiring. That’s amazing. Oh, so, okay. Well that, thank you for sharing your story with me. That’s amazing. So let’s talk now, when we’re, when we’re, when you say the emotional preparedness that it takes for parents to raise happy, healthy kids who are equipped to take on the challenges they face in our ever complicated world. Tell us that, what that means to you as far as our subject today.
Dr. Ellis:
I think it means parents having a mindset around, you know, supporting their child’s emotional wellness, social, emotional wellness in a way that you know, that once they do leave home, whenever that is at whatever grade or, you know, age, that you can rest assured that they’re ready. And
Wendy:
heck yes.
Dr. Ellis:
So that’s really, you know what I mean by it in a nutshell. I mean, I work with kids who are planning to go to college, but I know that college isn’t for everyone. And so sometimes even within one family, we may have one kid that wants to go to college, but another one absolutely doesn’t wanna go and it’s not a fit for them. And so, you know, how do you still prepare your child? You know, when they’re in middle school, in high school, while they’re still, you know, at home under your, under the watchful eye of their parents, you know, what’s things that you need to do to really support them so that when they do leave, they’re gonna be able to fly and to really thrive in whatever they decide to do.
Wendy:
Oh, I love it. And yeah, when, when you, you just mentioned, you know, start, start as early as possible. So tell us a little bit about that and what you mean by that, you know, supporting their emotional and yeah. You know, their physical health, but also their emotional, because yes, we are all about that here for sure. Family.
Dr. Ellis:
Yeah. The emotional piece can be just showing them that you trust them. And what I mean by trust with your child is, you know, letting them do those things on their own and even, you know, in the younger years. So it, with they’re, when they’re first learning how to, you know, tie their shoes, not interrupting it and just say, oh, let me do it, let me do it. You know, not doing that, but actually letting them make mistakes, letting them, you know, struggle with it and learn how to do it.
And that can be done in a way that shows them that you trust them is what it actually does. And so I see that as something that can be done at almost every, you know, level. So whether they are a toddler, just learning how to walk or, you know, starting to learn how to read, just being able to let them try it and let them do it. I have been in situations where I’ve seen parents jump in too quickly.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Dr. Ellis:
And when I see that, I think of it as them not trusting their child, trusting that they’re gonna do it right. Or trusting that they’re going to learn. Yes. When we interrupt in that way,
Wendy:
I love that. I, I remember one of my greatest teachers and mentors said to me one day, you know, when I was obviously displaying some questions about like, if I don’t come in and you know, if you could see my daughter and the things she does and, you know, she needs to listen better, or she keeps making this mistake. I remember she said, you know, you just gotta trust in the humanity of your child, Wendy. And it stuck with me all these years because it just reminds me that when we can trust that they are on a beautiful journey and that yes, we have such an influence, right. We are mentoring every single day. We are modeling. We’re gonna talk about that for sure in a minute. But we are, we do so much as parents and they are perfectly designed to develop and making mistakes as part of that journey, mistakes are opportunities to learn creating that kind of self-confidence comes from not having mom and dad, correct everything.
Do everything for you, learning how to recover when you trip and fall without being shamed or punished for it all the time.
Dr. Ellis:
Absolutely.
Wendy:
Yeah. And just developing that kind of intrinsic motivation. Right. I think that’s, what’s so beautiful that comes from it.
Dr. Ellis:
Yeah. And one of the traits and qualities that I think about particularly in the middle and high school years is allowing our child to learn how to self advocate. You know, I think oftentimes, you know, as parents, we jump in to say, oh, we’re gonna have the conversation with the teacher. And it’s like, no, no, no, let them have the conversation with the teacher because you know, that is an age where they should feel comfortable reaching out. And if they don’t feel comfortable, you know, give them the tools to do it, you know, at home, give them some words to use, give them a set time to do it, whatever it takes to help them achieve that goal and learn how to self advocate.
That’s one of the biggest tools, if you will, that they’ll use when they’re out in the world and learning it when they’re in the safety of your home is much easier than them figuring that out later.
Well, hey there families. I have a free online parenting workshop that I want to invite you to. It’s called “What to Do When Your Kids Say, No I Won’t and You Can’t Make Me”. These classic power struggles situations can trigger us and cause us to dip down into reactive modes that cause us to be shameful and guilty at the end of the night when we lay our head on our pillow and none of us want that, but don’t fret. I’m here to help. I can teach you five positive parenting tips to help gain cooperation and dissolve power struggles with integrity, so you can take a break from relying on fear, force, bribery, and rewards to get your kids to comply.
You can save your seat now over at freshstartfamilyonline.com/powerstrugglesclass. Again, this workshop is completely free. I’m going to cover things like how to gently guide your kids towards action, even when they don’t want to move or do what’s asked of them, ways to see kids who pushed back a lot as incredible blessings and future leaders. I promise you they are blessings, not curses. Also, I’ll teach you about the importance of paradigm shifting with thoughts and beliefs about power seeking misbehavior, as well as how to implement a pause button to ignite creativity and model self-control in your parenting walk. I cannot wait to support you in this free class, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/powerstrugglesclass to save your seat now, and I will see you at class.
Wendy:
Yes. And it is so important. I see that so much with siblings too, right? Like here at Fresh Start Family, we help families learn how to do it differently with the siblings cuz you know, the traditional approach is you come in, you make sure the older one feels guilty for being the cause of everything. Cuz they know better in air quotes. And you know, you throw in a threat, like if you don’t stop, then this is gonna get taken away or whatever it may be. And we teach families, well, there’s a different way to do it where you actually mentor your kids on how to work things out on their own. But it does create such a beautiful self-advocacy skillset. Right. Which is such an important life skill like you talked about. And it’s important because you know, I see kids that are just like not able to speak up for themselves or not even able to like order a meal.
If they’re out by looking at the waiter and the, the fam you know, the parents might do it all for them. And, and it is such an, an important skillset. I just was in admiration of, you know, this year’s a weird year with COVID, but my little boy is in the fourth grade, my daughter’s in the seventh. And we have had the luck to have the same teacher for both my kids in the fourth grade. She has a master’s her master’s is in growth mindset, which I didn’t know there was a master’s in, and now there is,
Dr. Ellis:
There is now
Wendy:
There is now. And she has taught them so much about self advocacy and she has them lead the parent teacher conferences. And my older one is the very strong-willed one. Like she would have no problem. She’d be like, give me the mic. Let’s go. But my little guy, he’s more of like the, you know, more likely to be like, you do it for me and I’ll sit back and I’ll go along with it. And she really, she really pushes them in the most beautiful way to say, no, you got this. Like, you’re fine. And it’s so cool to see. It was so cool to see him work through the nervousness and the technology, because now we’re doing this all over zoom and yeah, it was just a perfect example of what you’re talking about, because that feels confidence, you know?
Dr. Ellis:
It does. Yeah.
Wendy:
You start to believe in yourself more.
Dr. Ellis:
Yeah. It goes a long way.
Wendy:
Awesome. Okay. So yeah. Start earlier, start early and then talk to us about ‘recognizing what we’re modeling’. That term. I love that term. I talk to my families in my course, in my membership program all the time about modeling. Tell us about your wisdom on, on this area.
Dr. Ellis:
Wow. The first thing that comes to mind is thinking about, you know, that whole chart of how your thoughts lead to your feelings and beliefs, which lead to your words would lead to your actions and then your results. And so when we think about modeling, I think about, you know, all of those, you know, earlier stages, because even the words that we use are modeling. And I think about it with my own mom, my own mom was a bit of a worrier. You know, she worried about everything and she’s part of the silent, She was part of the silent generation where, you know, she cuz she had me at an older age and so hearing the way she talked and the way she worried, I, when I became a mom, I would say some of those same things.
And I was like, oh my goodness. I sound like my mother. And that’s one of the things that stands out most for me is thinking about our words and how that models a certain mindset, it models, certain thoughts and feelings and belief to our children. And so that’s, you know, that’s kinda what I was getting at with that. And so how does that resonate with you?
Wendy:
It’s beautiful because there, there are the words, right. There are the actions that we model and then what’s even more wild I think is that there’s also the unspoken thought patterns and limiting beliefs, right. That just naturally get passed down. If we don’t do the healing or get the support, whatever we need. I was just talking to my husband this week about this cuz my daughter can sometimes exhibit kind of a fear of disappointing others. And we had this beautiful talk about if him or I are modeling that almost in an unspoken way. We know that it comes out. Right. All, but there’s, I just think, yeah, the modeling thing is, is incredible.
You know, so many parents, we all think that our kids aren’t noticing stuff and they just. They pick it up. It’s like, yes. It’s, it’s just, it’s crazy. Yeah.
Dr. Ellis:
So yes. And I, I recognize that even when my son, we were in the car together, I was in the car with my oldest and this was, he must have been in middle school then. And he was like, mommy, what’s wrong.
Wendy:
Yeah.
Dr. Ellis:
I thought, what do you mean? And I was just like nothing. He was like, no, something’s wrong. You know? And so I don’t even remember what it was, but just the fact that he knew that without it even being spoken suggested to me, just how well our children know us. And so yeah, they’re watching us at all times. They’re watching us at all times. And now that mine are older, my three are in college. Now they will often talk about things that I said. I mean, my son, oh my goodness, Wendy. My oldest actually said to me during the quarantine, how I had said that when he turned five, he was gonna get a puppy and he still hasn’t gotten a puppy.
Dr. Ellis:
I’m like what?
Wendy:
You’re like. Yeah. Right.
Dr. Ellis:
That is so long ago. And I don’t remember it. Yes. But they’ll bring up things all the time about something I said, and I’m like, really? I said that well, okay, we still don’t have a puppy.
Wendy:
Exactly. It’s not gonna happen if it hasn’t happened by now. Yeah. That’s so funny.
Dr. Ellis:
Oh, now that we’re in quarantine, this will be great. And I just thought, you know, something, I’ll still be the one who’s taking care of it when you guys go back to school. So I can’t do that right now.
Wendy:
Yeah. Exactly. Yep. That, that story you just told is, is such a great example. Yeah. My kids will do that too. And, and yeah, the modeling thing, it’s, it’s, it’s funny cuz it’s kind of the hardest reality. But to me it’s also the most hopeful and powerful because you know, you can’t make somebody grow or change. Obviously that’s not what we were designed to do as human beings to control people, to fear, force all that kind of stuff to whatever. But you can change yourself, right? Like if you are a constant warrior, which Hey, same thing here, right? Like that my daddy, he was amazing. He is an amazing man, but holy smokes, did he worry?
And I’ve been trying to, trying to fight that habit for a long time and I am succeeding, but it is work. Right. But when you realize like you can’t control anybody else, but you can do work, you can get support to change your thought patterns, to eliminate that lack, thinking to advance abundance and scarcity thinking to trust in God, whatever it may be for you. And then you have more influence on other people because it’s kind of like the hypocrite thing, right? Like you can’t tell someone to do something completely different and then you’re over there, you know, not, not doing the same thing. So I think there’s both power and it’s a, it’s a harsh reality that it does take work.
It takes hard work to, yeah. Again, clear out some of those cobwebs that have us in kind of not so healthy behaviors, actions, mindsets.
Dr. Ellis:
Right. Right. And I, I mean, I love what you said in terms of we can change ourselves, you know, and in a sense break a cycle so that it is not passed on to our children and their children. And that brings to mind to me, you know, that, you know, when I was growing up again, you know, my parents were part of the silent generation. They had me when they were much older and they didn’t believe in going to see a therapist, you know? Okay.
Wendy:
No. Yeah.
Dr. Ellis:
Like, you know, that was unheard of, but you know, in that day and age and you know, for that reason, I only went to talk with the therapist gosh, within the last few years.
Wendy:
Right.
Dr. Ellis:
And it’s just, you know, cuz it was always a stigma attached to it. And so just opening up to that then lets my children know that. Yeah. It’s okay to talk with someone else and to seek professional help and there’s no shame in it. So
Wendy:
Yes, absolutely. Yeah. That’s so interesting. The term silent generation that definitely so rep you know, it, it, it says a lot, right? Like you just didn’t talk about stuff. Right. You just swept it under the rug and you moved on and, and yeah. That had to have been hard. Right. I think back to looking at my parents too is, and they didn’t have their resources. Right. Right. Like they didn’t have their resources to, to see a therapist it’s like, they were lucky to probably have insurance or whatever, you know? Right. Very like lower even middle class. It was, it was just not in my parents. Yeah. I guess they, they grew up pretty, you know, lower middle class. What I remember just all the stories were like it was getting by was definitely like there was no extra room.
Right. So it’s always such a great reminder of the access to resource that we have nowadays. And if, and if you do have those access to insurance or life coaching or a good therapist that your friend recommended or someone you trust tells you about what a beautiful privilege. Right. So hallelujah that.
Hey families, I’m pausing this episode for a quick minute to thank Parent Playbook for their support of the Fresh Start Family Show. And to tell you about the wonderful work they are doing over there to inspire and support parents founded with parent empowerment in mind. Parent Playbook is an app that puts the advice and expertise of parenting educators, life coaches, and family advocates into the hands of busy parents who are determined to get answers to their parenting questions and desperate to feel more peace, confidence, empowered and empowerment in their daily life.
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Cool. Okay. And the last point of wisdom you were gonna talk to us today about is making time for self-care
Dr. Ellis:
My goodness that-
Wendy:
This one’s a challenge.
Dr. Ellis:
That’s my favorite.
Wendy:
Nice.
Dr. Ellis:
That’s my favorite. Because I think especially, you know, as moms, we wear so many different hats, so many different hats, and there’s also been this long held belief and we’ve been socialized to believe it that if it has to be done right. It has to be done by me. Yeah. And we all know that that’s not true. And there’s deliverance in actually recognizing that that’s not true because what that means is that when you need help, you ask for it. And when you do need time to yourself, you take it. And so I really, you know, want to encourage us as parents, especially to do that because when we become mom or dad, we get so invested in our children.
So invested in, you know, their success is our success that we lose sight of who we are and what our needs are. And when we have an empty cup, we can’t pour anything into them. And so I will often say to my mom’s, you know, if you want to, you know, really be a super mom and be, you know, all that you can be for your child, you need to take care of yourself because if your cup is empty, you can’t pour into them.
Wendy:
Yes. Yes. It’s so true. When I was first learning about positive parenting that I teach now, I remember the analogy was like, when you’re on an airplane, God forbid it’s going down. You cannot save your child if you do not put that oxygen mask on first, like you have to help yourself first, you have to be able to breathe. Yeah. And then you can help your kids. Right. And I’ve always remembered that because it’s so true. And gosh, this year has tested us. All right. The kids are around right. 24 7. Just so did yours actually get to go away to college? Are they actually near campus or have they been–
Dr. Ellis:
No, my youngest, she did. She’s at Oberlin, but my older two they’re at Stanford and Georgetown and they both were virtual.
Wendy:
Okay. Yeah. Gosh, it’s so hard. Right. Georgetown. That’s cool. I grew up in Maryland know that. Yes. Area. Well, that’s a cool school. Yes. They’re all. They’re all very cool schools, but
Dr. Ellis:
Yeah.
Wendy:
Awesome. Yeah. Self care. Oh my goodness. It’s easier said than done, right? Yeah. So many listeners still have kids in the home and it’s like, everyone’s trying to juggle the work from home. The everything, the
Dr. Ellis:
Remote learning. Yeah, exactly. And I think, you know, for many of us, you know, with working from home now, it’s, you know, harder to turn it off, you know, and I, I feel like we are wearing ourselves down in this new environment. I was reading a study that was done, I think by Calendarly. And they found that people were scheduling back to back meetings and they’ve never seen so much scheduling, like it’s done now. And so you pretty much, what people are doing is because they don’t have any commute time. You know, they’ll be on a zoom, you know, for 15 hours straight.
And it’s just back to back meetings because they don’t need that buffer in between. But I would say they do need that buffer in between, because it does wear you down to be in meetings like that. Even if they are virtual, that doesn’t mean that we don’t need that break in between.
Wendy:
Yeah. Yeah. And, and what’s happened with our world now is it’s, it’s gonna be interesting to see how we shut, how we get back eventually, because now everyone’s gotten so used to being able to access schoolwork or homework or work work 24 7. Yeah. That it is it’s blurring the lines. And, and I know for it is for me, for sure. It’s it has been a massive challenge, but I love what you said about just asking for help as that actually being an example of self-care. And I think, I think one of the, the biggest things with self-care is, is just a mental intention of acknowledging that you’re doing it to take care of yourself.
Not because you have to.
Dr. Ellis:
Right, right.
Wendy:
Like, but to actually say like, I’m just thinking, thank God. I feel so blessed to be able to have someone help me come clean the house, her name’s Maria. She’s been with me for 10 years. She’s like family now. I’m so grateful for her, but I have a tendency to think I have to get this house. Like I have no time I’m, you know, building this business and, and helping my students and, and the house needs to get cleaned. Well, I love asking her for help and I get to, and that is a way to take care of me. So I can go for a jog this afternoon at four PM. Right?
Dr. Ellis:
Absolutely.
Wendy:
Like to look at it as not like something that just has to be done and needs to be done, but more just pouring into that, like gratitude around it and saying like, that was so wonderful. And now I get to walk upstairs and I fresh sheets and the toilet’s cleaned. And I don’t know, that’s just a, might be a silly example. But even if I think if we’re buying flowers at the grocery store and it might be Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter, instead of just saying, we need flowers for the table to say flowers, make me happy. Like this brings me joy. I’m gonna buy this $5 bouquet of sunflowers. I used to do that so much when my kids were young, right. Go to Trader Joe’s. And I always had these cheap flowers and I always bought myself these flowers and they made me so happy.
And I remember I used to buy ’em for my mother-in-law too, who has always helped me with my kids a lot too. And she would say, you don’t have to do this for me. And I’d say, I know, but I like to, I like to, it brings me joy, right?
Dr. Ellis:
Right, right. So, and I, you know, I think what that speaks to is the fact that self-care is not just going to get a pedicure, you know, or we wanna get a manicure is so much more beyond that. And when we give ourselves permission to be intentional around breathing around doing a gratitude practice, that’s not something that takes much time at all, but it is self care. And it does soothe you in a way that, you know, if you didn’t do it, you know, you wouldn’t, you know, be as comforted. But I, yeah, I look at self care more broadly, like you were saying, in terms of, you know, asking for help and taking time out to journal, to listen to music, those are forms of self-care as well.
Clearing clutter, you know, is a form of self care. And so it doesn’t have to be only one way of doing it, but certainly being intentional with however, we decide we’re going to take care of ourselves that day.
Wendy:
Oh, I love that you mentioned breathing. It sounds so simple, but I swear, I get like all these body aches and headaches and, and most of the time I’ve realized I literally will not breathe sometimes. I’m a fast-paced person. I’m busy. I thrive on like doing a ton at once. And I it’s like when you say that, I’m like, oh my gosh, I just need to just give myself five minutes. Whether it’s between meetings or before we go for a jog or when I’m in the car doing like volleyball shuttle. Right. Whatever it is. But just to like deep breathe, or even if it’s two minutes, I love that. And listeners, I think everybody listening right now, when you end, when we end this podcast, you could do that for two minutes and intentionally say, I am fueling my body with fresh oxygen.
I am taking time to slow down. And gosh, I’m gonna do that more. Now that you said that it’s like, you know, these things,
Dr. Ellis:
You know, but I’m gonna say one last thing that I, you know, have found to be really powerful in terms of self care. And that is doing one thing at a time and getting away from multitasking, just the energy and calm that it brings to me when I’m not multitasking, it’s worth it. It’s worth it to just focus on one thing at a time. And you know, I have to catch myself and really be intentional because I was in the grocery store a few weeks ago. And I was like, oh, you know, I can listen to this, you know, show and engage with it and, you know, do my grocery shopping, all of that and I can get it, you know, do, but what ended up happening is I went to the grocery store and forgot several items because I was so focused in, on participating on this call.
And I was like, you know, that was multitasking and I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’m gonna give the speaker, you know, the, my time, you know, respectfully devoted to them so that I can actually learn and engage. And then when I have to go to the grocery store, do that. But just doing one thing at a time has really been liberating. And that to me has been a form of self care because I’m not stressed by having distractions and being, having my mind distracted with trying to do everything at once in rushing.
Wendy:
Yes. And talk about modeling, like holy smokes, I have work to do in this area. And this is so inspiring for me. Yeah. Just last night we were on our way home from volleyball. My daughter plays beach and indoor volleyball. She had a buddy in the carpool and they had talked me into go into Chick-fil-A. Oh my goodness. They’re obsessed. These teenagers. They’re like, that’s all makes them so happy is Chick-fil-A I’m like, fine take you to Chick-fil-A. And I’m like, just order ahead of time on the phone. Because last time we went there, I’m only taken them one more other time. And it was, it took us like 20 minutes to get through the line. And as she was ordering, she was like, okay, mom, what do you think brother wants? And blah, blah, blah. And I was like, it was going dark.
And I was really trying to focus on the freeway. And there was, there was like, not an accident, but there was like a police officer who had pulled over. And I just was like found myself. And at one point she was like, mom, mom. And I’m like, honey. And I said to her, one day, you’ll understand when you’re driving, you just really need to be focused. And then I realized, I’m the one who asked her to do this while I was driving. And by the time we got to Chick-fil-A, I, I, I realized exactly that. I said, well, that sure wasn’t worth it. We might have saved 15 minutes. And I was, I was thinking in my head, well, she’ll take care of it. Like, she’ll do it. But you know, she was still like, mom, where’s your credit card?
And it did, it raised my stress levels. And I have become such a professional multitasker that it’s like a task that I’m like, oh my gosh, why have I sharpened this skill? Why? And I do not believe in the whole, like, that’s just who I am. No, I that’s not who God designed me to be. I can do it differently. So you have inspired me. So in so many ways today, Dr. Ellis.
Dr. Ellis:
Oh, thank you, Wendy.
Wendy:
It’s amazing. Well, okay. Well, tell listeners where they can find you, if they wanna learn more about your services and how you help families, where, where can they find you?
Dr. Ellis:
Oh, they can find me at compasscollegeadvisory.com and they can also find me on LinkedIn at the Education Doctor. So,
Wendy:
Yeah. Nice. Well, I love it. And the families who would benefit the most from your services have kids who are maybe in high school and are starting to think about college. Is that right?
Dr. Ellis:
In yes. In high school, I do have some families that will come like eighth grade and I have resources, you know, to share with them some complimentary resources, a toolkit, and you know, other things like that. But I don’t start working with students in earnest and parents until 10th grade.
Wendy:
Wow. What a cool, incredible service. Well, thank you so much for taking time outta your schedule to be with us today. This was such a great conversation.
Dr. Ellis:
It was an awesome conversation and I really enjoyed it and look forward to hearing from your families and staying in touch.
Wendy:
Yes. All right, listeners, go find Dr. Ellis and thanks for being here.
Don’t forget to join me for the Free Power Struggles class that I’m teaching all month long. You can head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/powerstrugglesclass to learn what dates and times I will be teaching this free 60 minute workshop. And save your seat. See you there.
For links and more info about everything we talked about in today’s episode, head to freshstartfamilyonline.com/139.
Stella:
For more information, go to freshstartfamilyonline.com. Thanks for listening, families. Have a great day.
