Is your strong-willed child really “difficult”… or are they wired to lead?

In this episode, Wendy and Terry continue walking through her upcoming book Fresh Start Your Family and unpack one of the most powerful paradigm shifts in parenting: seeing strong-willed kids as leaders in the making, not problems to fix.

They talk about:

• Why culture praises “meek and mild” kids
• The difference between a true strong-willed child and a temporary power surge stage
• Why breaking a child’s will harms their spirit
• How to mentor strength with firm-and-kind leadership

Through personal stories from raising their daughter Stella, Wendy and Terry show how the very traits that feel exhausting in toddlerhood often become courage, grit, and conviction in adulthood.

If you’re parenting a child who pushes back, questions authority, or refuses to fold, this episode will help you reframe defiance as potential and raise your “cactus kid” with connection, confidence, and integrity.

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Episode Highlights:

• Strong-willed kids aren’t difficult by default. They are powerful by design.
• Breaking a child’s will may create compliance, but it damages confidence.
• Pushback is often leadership in its earliest form.
• The traits that feel inconvenient in toddlers are the same traits that create courageous adults.
• Firm boundaries and deep connection can coexist beautifully.
• Teaching kids how to use their strength matters more than trying to silence it.
• When we mentor power instead of punishing it, we raise world-changers.
• A child who knows how to stand their ground is safer, stronger, and more resilient in the world.

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Unable to listen, or prefer to read along? Here’s the transcript!

Hello families, and welcome back to a new episode of The Fresh Start Family Show. I’m your host, Wendy Snyder, powerful parenting educator and family life coach, and Terry’s on the show again today. Welcome to the show, Terry.

Terry: And I’m your co-host, Terry Snyder.

Wendy: Dad extraordinaire, creative extraordinaire.We love you so much, Terry. We’re so happy to have you here.

We kicked off the new year talking about our biggest takeaways from 2025. We set the tone with our Word of the Year for 2026, and now we’re kind of cruising through my plan for this year, which is to cruise through the book and the chapters. Fresh Start Your Family is coming out May 2026, pre-orders are officially live, which is so exciting. Thank you so much for pre-ordering. Pre-orders mean so much to authors, so thank you, listeners, for pre-ordering and getting your copy reserved nice and early. I have so many great bonuses for you when you do that.

I thought it’d be fun to journey through many of the chapters. We’re not going to get to every single one because there are 24 chapters, but today we’re moving into… well, last time we recorded we talked about changing our paradigm. That’s how the book starts out. Section one is all about updating your lens and your legacy.

So changing your paradigm, starting to see parenting through this lens of updated modern psychology, understanding that kids are communicating when they misbehave. It doesn’t mean they’re bad, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, it means they’re communicating.

And a chapter within that section is really around reframing the way we see strong-willed kids. This has been such a huge part of our journey, being able to see our strong-willed daughter from the perspective of her communicating her need to feel powerful.

The concept of raising a future leader versus trying to get a kid’s strong will “in check.” Because when she was three or four years old, so many people around us were telling us we needed to break her will, make sure she knew who was boss. If we didn’t get a handle on it early, then we’d be in trouble. We got all these really weird, twisted messages.

But it’s been such a journey, right? To fully trust and lean into the concept of embracing the strong will in her, her immense need to feel powerful that comes out often in pushback and not just accepting things, which we still see really strongly now that she’s 18 years old.

We’ve changed our paradigm so deeply that it’s not dangerous to us anymore. It’s part of who she is, and we’ve seen these beautiful benefits of that strong will within her.

So I thought to kick off our conversation today, I’d read the intro to chapter three of the book. It’s in section one. It’s called “Raising Your Beautiful Cactus Kid.” This is fun, babe, you haven’t even heard any of the book yet.

Terry: No, I was waiting to get it in my hands, but yeah.

Wendy: This is like when you get a leaked trailer online for your favorite show or something.

Terry: Yes, exactly.

Wendy: But today we’re doing a little teaser.

Here’s a sneak peek from chapter three. It’s called: “Raising Your Beautiful Cactus Kid: The Truth About Strong-Willed Kids.”

Strong-willed humans are a rare and extraordinary breed. I know this because I am one. I also birthed one, and for the last…

Hold on, I’m still in the final round of editing, this needs to say 18, babe. We have an 18-year-old. How crazy is that?

And for the last 18 years, I’ve been given the sacred honor of raising her.

Just like there are different breeds of dogs, each with their own quirks, strengths, instincts, and needs, humans are no different. Well, of course we’re different because we don’t have tails and we can talk, but in terms of being beautifully, uniquely created for good, we are all the same.

Our family has always been one full of dog lovers, and after raising several Labrador puppies, I can tell you one thing for sure: Labs love food. No matter how much they eat, they are always on the hunt for more. It’s endearing and wildly frustrating at the same time, because their constant hunger leads them into mischief, stealing food, begging at the table, getting into the trash, and even swallowing socks.

On the other hand, our adorable but high-maintenance husky, Yuki, could care less about food. She’s motivated by something entirely different: freedom. Huskies are designed to run, to feel the wind on their face as they pull a sled across the Alaskan tundra. And while we love her for her majestic beauty and wild spirit, we learned the hard way that if the front door was left even slightly ajar, Yuki was gone in an instant, chasing the thrill of escape like it was her life’s mission.

One time she vaulted across busy roads only to be found in a Target parking lot, sitting in a shopping cart of a kind stranger feeding her pepperoni.

Do you remember that, babe? Were you home for that? I don’t think you were. I almost lost my mind. That was a whole thing.

Children, much like our beloved furry companions, are wired uniquely and beautifully. Some are driven by connection, some by adventure, and others, like our strong-willed ones, by power. They aren’t just here to blend in, they’re here to lead.

If you’re reading this book, chances are you’re raising one of these extraordinary humans. I know this because in my experience, parents don’t usually seek out this level of heart expansion and personal growth unless they’ve been knocked to their knees a few times.

It’s often the parents of strong-willed kids who find themselves willing to do the deeper work, not because they’re failing, but because their child is calling them into something greater.

And the chapter goes on and on. We talk about the true characteristics of a truly strong-willed kid. I teach the difference between a kid in a power-surge stage of life, meaning a kid who was chill and mellow for a while and then all of a sudden, usually between two and six, and again in the tween and teen years, they start pushing back and testing boundaries hard.

We saw that with Terrin at 14, right?

But the true strong-willed ones, I really believe they’re angels in the world because they call us into greater learning and healing. And you develop patience and unconditional love when you’re around someone who pushes back so much.

And with Stella, you could feel it from birth. You could sense the strength and the opinions even when she was a baby.

So what I thought we’d do today is talk about what it was like for us to change the paradigm. These kids aren’t “problem kids.”

I was laughing because at Christmas service there was that cute song, “Jesus, what a wonderful child,” and then it goes on to say, “so lowly, meek, and mild.” And it cracked me up because culture has painted this picture that if you’re lowly, meek, and mild, you’re really “good.”

And you hear this sick version of it with babies too. People will say, “She’s such a good baby because she doesn’t cry.” It’s wild, right?

From the beginning of time it seems like we’ve painted the picture that kids who push back, or cry, or aren’t silent and submissive, are the “not good” ones.

But raising Stella flipped that on its head for us, and we got to lean into why it’s actually such a blessing. To us, that was the ultimate fresh start, from a legacy perspective.

So many people joke, “Oh, you have a three-year-old like that? That’s payback for what you were as a kid.” And it’s heartbreaking because it tees up this idea of, “You were a pain, so now you’ll get a pain.”

Instead, we want to start fresh in our family legacy with, “Actually, you had a strong voice from the beginning.” It’s no surprise your kid does too. The apple doesn’t fall far. You’ve got this.

And then you learn to see them in a healthy light. Because their bravery, their grit, their determination, their willingness to question authority, it isn’t a problem. True respect for them comes from relationship, not because “I said so.”

So with all that said, Terry, what comes to mind when you hear all of that? What do you think about this subject?

Terry: When you were talking about people saying it’s payback, that’s one way to see it. It’s kind of a jab, kind of revenge-minded.

But what really unlocked it for me was realizing that having a child with those character traits… those are exactly the traits you’d want them to have as a young adult and adult. It’s just really inconvenient to have them as a toddler.

Once I saw it like that, it reframed everything.

Now, some toddler moments are just nonsensical. You’re like, “Why are we going through this right now? I just want a simple day, and we can’t get from A to B.”

And sure, the specific situations don’t always translate one-for-one into “this will be great when you’re an adult.” Like, Stella will spend more time arguing about something than it would’ve taken to just do it, and you’re like, “What?”

But in general, it’s the personality. The kid who questions everything, wants to see it from all sides, wants a voice and power at the table, isn’t easily convinced or manipulated, and has their own strong internal compass. When you reframe those as beautiful characteristics you’d want in a grown person, you can let go of the expectation that it has to be instant obedience or “my way.”

Society definitely paints the picture of quiet kids who don’t make noise, who just go with your flow. If that’s what you’ve got, great. But strong-willed kids add beauty to the world too.

Some voices in our world were like, “You can make them into a quiet kid. You can break their will.” And that’s heartbreaking.

Something tugged on our heart that said, “No, we’re not doing it that way.” And once you decide that, then it becomes about honoring yourself and honoring the child in how you move forward.

It requires more patience sometimes, and confidence. Because you have to get really good at saying no with detachment and compassion. That’s a skill set that’s beautiful to build.

Wendy: That’s such a good point, because people early on might be like, “Wait… if you’re not going to break their will, do you just say yes to everything?”

Terry: No. We probably say no more than most parents. You just get the “why not?” And you need the patience to hang in there and explain it, or at least stay grounded while they don’t feel awesome about the decision.

It’s not permissive. There’s a lot of education. You become a teacher. You’re going to talk to your kid a lot.

But you have to reframe how you see them: they’re curious, they want to feel power. It can feel inconvenient as a toddler, but picture them as an adult. These are world changers. Game changers.

Everybody says they want people who change the world, and great things don’t happen with people who only shoot for the middle or wait around to be told what to do.

Not that those people don’t serve a purpose, they do. Teams need everyone. But for this conversation, we’re helping you see: that toddler you’re thinking is “too much”? They might be a game changer. That’s a beautiful thing.

Wendy: And we have listeners with kids of all ages, right? Toddler, adolescent, tween, teen… especially if you have multiple kids, you know which ones are more likely to be like, “No.” Those are the kids we’re talking about.

And again, some kids are truly strong-willed, and some are in a power-surge stage of life. Either way, we’re looking at it through the same lens. It’s all healthy. It’s all good.

Okay, I want to tell two stories because I think they represent this well.

First, one of the sad ones. When Stella was little and we were like, “What is happening? Someone tell us what to do.” We were knee-deep in the evangelical world, and people were coming out of the woodwork telling us, “Just hit her.”

Whether it was my boss, family, whatever… and there was this neighbor across the street. Sweet family, surf shop vibe, and we were like, “These are our people.” And then we find out they’re entrenched in this creepy Christian world where they thought what they were doing was godly.

They were like, “Just get this book off Amazon, it’ll teach you how to take a switch, a thin branch from the backyard, or a piece of plastic, and hit the kid every time they misbehave. It’s written by a Christian author so it’s Christian.” It was… horrifying.

Were you there for that conversation, or was it just me?

Terry: I remember you telling it to me, so it must’ve been you. I remember him being excited to show the stick and all that. We were exploring a lot of options at that point because we were at a breaking point, looking for a path forward.

I remember hot sauce too, that was a work colleague. We were just scared and didn’t have the education yet.

Wendy: Yep. So we didn’t order that book. Our intuition and moral compass were like, “Something’s off. That doesn’t feel Christian.”

But I’ll never forget this day. I think you were at work. I invited his two girls over to hang out in the hot tub. Stella was probably four.

And I’ll never forget the older girl, maybe nine, the way she could not look you in the eye.

Terry: Yeah. The older one. It was robotic. You could feel it.

Wendy: She had a sunburn on her nose and it was peeling really bad. And I was like, “Oh sweet girl… did you get sunburned?” And she just looked down, like, ashamed.

And I remember thinking, “Holy crap. I am never doing that to my child.” The way she carried herself was heartbreaking. What it does to a child when you teach them, “You are a problem, your strong will is a problem, I’m going to hurt and harm you,” and then you call it godly love.

I know many of you listening have people in your circles telling you, “You need to take charge of that kid.” Mother-in-law, cousin, sister, whoever.

Okay, now the other story, fast forward.

Terry and I recently booked tickets to go to Ireland again to see two of our favorite bands, Metallica and Pantera. We took the kids to Ireland years ago when Stella was 10 and Terrin was seven. Metallica at a castle, family farm, meeting relatives, it was one of the best memories of our life.

Stella found out the drummer throws out drumsticks and she was like, “I want to catch one.” Seventy-five thousand people, and we’re like, “Heck yes, if you want that, let’s go.”

She made the sign, carried it 6,000 miles on the airplane. You and Stella pushed your way to the front of the pit. Terrin was like, “Nope, Mom,” so he and I watched from the side.

And then we see you two coming out and Stella has the drumstick above her head. It was wild. She had a dream, and she went for it.

But that’s not even the story I want to tell.

More recently, you and Stella went to New York City to see Korn and System of a Down.

Terry: Yep.

Wendy: And Korn’s drummer throws a drumstick, Stella grabs it, and it drops to the floor. And this story matters so much to me because I want my daughter to not take crap in the world. I want her to protect herself. I want her to say no, to stand her ground, to not submit to authority just because.

So, tell us what happened. You were there. What did you see?

Terry: The drumstick ends up on the ground. She gets down to grab it and I’m kind of backing people up behind me to give her space. It’s a full savage moment, and I knew she could handle herself if I just gave her space.

She gets it, I can tell she has it, but other people have hands on it too. She’s not letting go. A couple hands let go, and it ends up being her and one other guy.

A full-grown man trying to take a stick from a teenager on the ground.

She starts yelling at him. “It’s mine, I’ve got it, let go.” She said, “I’m a drummer, let me have it, let go.” She was loud, primal. Not backing down.

Once I saw it was tug-of-war between her and him, I made it uncomfortable for that guy to keep pulling. I moved in, put my arm around where his arm was, basically made it clear this isn’t happening.

And people around us started saying, “Let her have it.”

She didn’t give up. There was no way she was letting go. Eventually he let go and walked away.

She was shook after, but it was one of those moments where you’re like, “My gosh… this kid will not back down when she wants something.”

And it represents a lot. These kids have fight in them.

Parents early on think that fight is against them. It’s not against you. It’s a fire in them, and it’ll serve them well. A drumstick is symbolic. That thing can be a dream. That thing can be their safety. That thing can be fighting injustice. Sticking up for a friend. Trying to be a D1 athlete. So many things.

And I just kept thinking, “Dang, Stella’s a badass.” I wasn’t going to let her get hurt, and I wasn’t going to let that person walk away with the stick either, but I also knew: there was no better person in that moment to fight for that stick than her.

Wendy: Yep. And yesterday, Terrin wanted to paint his room, so I helped him repaint. And you helped Stella with her room.

We have that Metallica drumstick from 2019 in a shadow box downstairs. We’re going to put it in her room next to a framed album.

And yesterday we gathered the Korn drumstick to frame in a shadow box too, on the other side of her bed. Album, drumstick, concert pass, a little memento moment.

She’s got these two drumsticks from these huge shows. Out of like 75,000, 85,000, 90,000 people. And they throw… what, maybe less than ten?

Terry: Less than ten. A few.

Wendy: And they’re the actual sticks they played with. The Korn one was chipped up and splintered so badly it cut you when you put it in your pocket.

It’s just such a good representation. Their will is wild. It’s wild to witness. And yes, it can feel inconvenient. But if you stay in touch with mentoring it well, building them up to be the kind of leaders we need more of, and you’re also building empathy, compassion, understanding other viewpoints, peaceful conflict resolution, the ability to bend within parameters… it creates this really cool human.

And it’s so different between our kids. We know if Terrin was in that situation, he’d be like, “It’s not a big deal, they can have it.” That’s his superpower.

Both are uniquely gifted and beautifully created, just in different ways.

Well, Terry, thanks for being here with me today. It’s fun to revisit the concept of seeing a strong-willed child in this healthy, light-filled way, and what it looks like to raise a cactus kid with integrity, dignity, connection, and great relationship.

Terry: Love it. Thanks for having me.

Wendy: Alright, listeners, thanks so much. We’ll see you in the next episode.